How to really tell you’re more socially liked than you realize
I want you to know that you’re not an outsider simply because one person made you feel like one today. Please come back and read this on the days you forget that you belong.
You just may have become so fluent in every sign of rejection the you’ve gone blind to all the signs that you belong. You notice the person who didn’t say hello but not the one who moved over to make room for you. You replay the delayed reply but forget who checked on you without being asked. You remember the invitation you didn’t receive and overlook all the places where your presence is naturally expected. I know this doesn’t erase the one hurtful moment you just had or recently experienced but know that moment is not the whole picture.
Know that the proof that you’re wanted and that you truly belong in a friendship or a group lives in who trusts you, who remembers what you tell them, who naturally includes you, and who defends your name when you’re not there. Please don’t make one or two people who make you feel unsure erase everyone else who consistently makes you feel wanted. And don’t let that ever be the way that you measure how liked you are because it’s wildly unfair to yourself.
Please before you ever decide you’re an outsider or the extra person in the room, ask yourself:
Who here treats you like you already belong?
Don’t overlook the friend who saved you a seat, the person who remembered your story that you told them a few weeks ago, the five other people in the room that genuinely smiled at you when you walked into the room and then all of a sudden use the one woman who seemed slightly off as the final verdict of your social standing. Her delayed or cold reply doesn’t matter more than all the others that consistently show up. Don’t let her opinion become your opinion of yourself.
The most important thing you can ever learn is that not a single person in the entire universe is admired or liked by every single person. If you can grasp that it’s impossible to be liked by everyone, you can start normalizing that yes, sometimes you’re going to be in a room with someone that isn’t going to like you. And it happens to every single other person too.
Now as for the 4 signs to start noticing today that you’re more socially liked than you realize so you can start catching them:
People tell you things they don’t tell everyone.
People aren’t going to hand over their real thoughts, worries, or personal stories to someone they experience as unsafe. They’re telling you what is really going on instead of giving you the polished and socially acceptable version. They may also ask you what you think before making a small or big decision. They can admit to you when they feel embarrassed, conflicted, or uncertain about something. They may even drop, “I haven’t told many people about this,” or even “Please keep this between us.” That’s trust right there, not just ordinary conversation. This may be easy to dismiss when someone is doing this because you just may be the person that people always naturally come to confide to, especially if you’re a good listener. She’s not telling everyone though, remember that. So start paying attention to the level of vulnerability and whether people repeatedly choose you when they want to be honest. Start looking to see if:
They’re telling you the whole story, not only the socially acceptable one.
They ask you for your thoughts or perspective on something that matters to them.
They share news with you before it becomes public knowledge.
They trust you with information that requires discretion (please don’t tell anyone).
People naturally assume you belong
Sometimes belonging is clearest in the moments when no one stops to prove it to you. People talk about the dinner as though you’ll be there. Someone says, “wait, you weren’t invited?” That’s because your absence genuinely doesn’t match how they see your place in the group. Know that not every “I thought you were invited” is proof of closeness and sometimes it can be mean girl behavior. So pay attention to patterns because one isolated moment is just one data point, a consistent pattern of people expecting, noticing, and making room for you is belonging.
When they naturally assume that you belong, they are including you in the “we,” they don’t have to be so obvious, it’s assumed you are part of the “we.” They save you a seat, fill you in, add you to the plan, or assume you already know the people involved. When you are sensitive to exclusion, you may only count inclusion if it arrives as a formal invite or enthusiastic declaration, “we really want you there.” But secure inclusion isn’t as obvious because your presence already makes so much sense that no one thinks it needs to be explained. Here’s how you can start seeing it:
People automatically make room for you physically or conversationally.
They speak about future plans with the expectation that you’ll be part of them.
They notice when you’re missing.
They fill you in because they view you as someone who should know.
They introduce you in a way that communicates connection, not distance.
People speak well of you when you’re not there
This is going to be the strongest sign but obviously it’s hard to know it’s happening because you aren’t in the room. But someone can later tell you that someone corrected a wrong impression of you, defended your intentions, recommended you for an opportunity, mentioned your name positively, or refused to participate when the conversation started turning unkind. Start paying attention if someone says, “I've heard such nice things about you.” Someone contacts you because a friend recommended you. You enter a room and discover that people already know something positive about you. That is your reputation being carried into rooms before you even arrive. You may not always find out when someone protects your name and that is what also makes this sign the most meaningful. They aren’t doing it for credit or to collect a favor from you, they’re doing it just because (that’s loyalty right there). Please notice though there is a difference between someone reporting every negative thing said about you and someone that’s genuinely protecting you. A person who is repeating hurtful comments in detail may not be helping. Someone who values you is more likely to shut it down, correct it, or share only what you truly need to know. You can start noticing:
If someone tells you, “she was just saying how much she loves you.”
If you are recommended for work, an invite, a group, or an opportunity.
A friend corrects gossip or an unfair interpretation instead of silently letting it stand and then she tells you.
New people approach you with warmth because of what a mutual friend has shared.
Your name comes up even when there is nothing for the other person to gain.
People remember the small and big things you tell them
They follow up and ask you how your drs apt went or they remember your child just started middle school. Our memory is imperfect so do know that if someone forgot something, that doesn’t mean they didn’t care. People are busy, stressed, distracted, and carrying their own lives. But when someone repeatedly remembers the details of yours, it tells you that what you say lands with them. Don’t discount a simple or ordinary, How did that thing go? That tells you more than a once a year birthday public post. Here’s how you can notice this more:
They follow up without needing to be reminded.
They remember details that had no obvious benefit to them.
They connect something they see back to you.
They notice changes in your mood, routine, or life.
They remember what matters to you, not just what matters to them.
Your final takeaway:
Let’s be sure that we don’t ignore the friends that are consistent in our lives and do some of these things above, it may seem ordinary what they’re doing but it isn’t. Those are all signs that they like you. And just because one person is unsure about you doesn’t mean you aren’t likable. Remember it’s normal to not be liked by everyone. Now if that one person is then trying to get others to not like you as well, that’s an entirely different story.
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Xo,
Dr. C