3 low pressure ways to let kids play without forcing a friendship between the parents
So your child comes home talking about the same classmate again and again. The teacher says they’re always playing together and then your child wants to invite them over. There’s only one problem though, you don’t really click with the other parent. Whether it was because the conversation felt forced, you have different personalities, lifestyles, values. You just wouldn’t choose her as a friend and get the feeling she wouldn’t choose you either. But does that mean the kids can’t have a friendship outside of school?
You know sometimes maturity in parenting looks like recognizing that you don’t have to choose another parent as your friend to respect that your children chose each other. You’re not required to manufacture chemistry, become best friends, or spend every Saturday together. But if the kids really do enjoy each other and the only obstacle is that one of the adults or both wouldn’t choose one another as friends, the kids shouldn’t have to pay for that.
You don’t need to force the friendship with the mom, your goal is to find a way that lets the kids connect while the parent interaction as comfortable, cordial, and limited. Here are 3 ways to do that:
Make it a small group playdate
A 1:1 playdate can feel like a 1:1 parent date when the kids are still too young to be left without both adults. So what you’re going to want to do is add a buffer. Invite two or three more kids and if needed, their parents to a simple plan.
That takes pressure off the adults too and will let the conversation feel more natural too. Keep it easy, this doesn’t need to be a perfectly styled gathering, think:
One hour at a playground
Pizza after school with two or three families
A casual pool afternoon with a clear end time
A children’s museum, indoor playspace, or library activity.
A come by from 3-4:30 for a backyard playdate.
What to say? Be specific and warm:
“The kids seem to have so much fun together at school. I’m having a few kids over from 3:30 to 4:30, we’d love for you to join.”
“The kids keep asking to play! I'm going to invite two other kids over after school next Wednesday for pizza and a playdate from 3:30-5:30. Would she like to come?”
Choose a structured public plan with a built in ending
Sometimes when you just say “come over for a playdate” feels like too much too soon. Meeting somewhere public first can give both parents a chance to become more familiar without either person having to host or invite someone into their own home. Some other areas to first try:
The playground right by the school
An indoor play gym
A craft, pottery, or baking activity
Ice cream after school
Attending the same community or school event
What to say? Again make it specific and time limited. Having a built in ending also removes the awkward question of how long either family is expected to say. One hour can be enough for the kids to hang out and for the parents to build the familiarity needed to feel more comfortable next time. And your reminder just because someone is hesitant doesn’t mean automatic rejection, they just need more familiarity, information, or time before they feel more comfortable arranging playdates.
Don’t say, would you ever want to get the kids together for a playdate? Try instead: Would you want to meet at the park from 4:00-5:00pm on Thursday?
The kids talk about each other all the time. We’re going to grab ice cream after school friday, want to meet us?
Try a short drop off playdate once trust is established.
If the kids are old enough, both parents are comfortable, and you trust the other household, a drop off playdate may actually be the best option. The parents can still be friendly without spending the entire playdate together. One parent just hosts for a defined amount of time and the other handles drop off and pick up. Start with an hour or 90 minutes, rather than a half day. And make sure to share who will be home, what the kids will be doing, whether there are pets, there’s a pool, or anything else relevant to safety. You can also offer to host first if that feels easier, sometimes a parent that seems reluctant isn’t trying to prevent a friendship, they just may not feel ready to leave her child in the home of someone she doesn’t know.
What to say?
“If you’re comfortable, he’s welcome to come over for Friday for pizza and a movie (or whatever plan) from 3:30 to 5:00. I’ll be home the entire time and they’ll be in the playroom. You’re also welcome to stay, whether for a few minutes, the whole time or do drop off.”
If you’ve offered 2 or 3 clear invites over time and they keep saying no, whether it was one group plan, one public plan, and when appropriate, a drop off plan and they keep saying no, then stop chasing. And don’t take it personal because parents have schedules, comfort levels, and family circumstances you may not know about but know that a pattern is very helpful information.
And know that just because you don’t click with another parent, please be especially thoughtful about what you say around your child. Kids repeat more than adults realize. A sarcastic comment, eye roll, or I don’t like her mom can quickly become something your child repeats and spreads to all the other kids in the class. You don’t have to pretend the other parent is your favorite person but you can tell your kids, “you can still be friends at school.”
Your final takeaway:
You are not promising friendship just because you’re letting the kids play! You don’t have to force an adult friendship to make room for your child’s.
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xo,
Dr. C