Backhanded comments & what to say
You may have read our latest newsletter on backhanded comments, if you did do you recognize any of the comments? If you just stumbled upon this while searching for backhanded comments, the below comments were submitted by you. Here are the ones we didn’t get to but they’re still important to because there’s a difference between recognizing when someone is making a dig and knowing what to say when you’re standing right in front of them. Our goal isn’t to necessarily win the argument or embarrass someone back, it’s to learn how to respond assertively without automatically defending yourselves. Let’s get into the other comments and we’ll then do a deep dive on each:
“How come you let your husband be overweight? Don’t you encourage him to go to the gym?”
This one’s interesting because it assumes you’re responsible for another adult’s body and choices. Please don’t automatically accept responsibility for something just because someone frames it that way. You also don’t have to explain his exercise routine, health, or eating habits to justify yourself. One way to reply is: “What makes you think that’s my decision?”
“Just because you’re married doesn’t mean his money is yours.”
Money can be a sensitive topic, especially when someone makes assumptions about your marriage or financial situation. You don’t need to give someone a breakdown of your finances simply because they offered an opinion on them. One way to reply is: “That’s a pretty personal question. No?” Then redirect the conversation.
“He can look all he wants, he just can’t touch.”
Depending on who said this and the context, it can most certainly be an awkward joke, unsolicited opinion, or a comment intended to bait you into a reaction. You don’t have to fake laugh when someone makes an uncomfortable joke. One way to reply is: “That’s an interesting thing to say to me.” Make eye contact and be silent for a few seconds. You don’t have to say anything else.
“Have you heard of this musician? No? They were terrible. It sounded like something you’d listen to.”
Just notice how someone asks an innocent question before slipping in an insult about your taste. You can enjoy different taste in music, clothes, hobbies, or interests without needing someone else’s approval. One way to reply is: “I’ll try not to take that personally.”
“Your haircut makes you look like you actually got ready today.” This one implies you usually look like you haven’t made an effort. The emphasis on the word “actually” here is your giveaway. A good reply here is “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
Not when they double down instead of accepting your response, this is where a lot of people get stuck. You respond and then they say:
“Oh my god, I was just joking!” When they do, try: “I know, I just didn’t find it funny.”
“You’re so sensitive!” Try: “You don’t have to agree with me.”
“That’s not what I meant!” Try: “Okay, I’m telling you how it came across.”
“Can’t you take a joke?” Try: “Of course. That one just didn’t land.”
Your Homework:
Try resisting the urge to fill every silence after you reply. The next time someone tells you a backhanded comment, ask yourself:
-Did you respond because you wanted to or because you felt pressured to defend yourself?
-Did you say more than you wanted to actually share?
-If this happens again, what’s one thing you’d like to do differently?
Do you have a backhanded comment you’re still thinking about or one that someone consistently uses every time they see you? Head to Dear Dr. C and share what they said and I'll get back to you! Prefer to work on 1:1 on being more assertive? Members get 10% off with code: Member.
xo,
Dr. C