3 reasons why you trigger people & how to not take it personally
Few things are more confusing and more painful than realizing someone doesn’t like you and you can’t figure out why. You replay your words, your actions, your tone, trying to make sense of it. But what if the problem isn’t you? Most of the time, people aren’t truly reacting to you. They’re reacting to what being around you brings up in them. Still, that doesn’t make it any less painful when you notice the whispers, the eye rolls, or the cold shoulder. And if you’re not careful, it can send you into a spiral of overthinking, shrinking yourself, or wondering what you did wrong.
Here’s how to stop taking it personally, what to say if you want to try to repair, and how to show up when you have no choice but to be around people who dislike you “for no reason.”
When you did more with less (and they put you down)
What’s happening: This often comes up when you and someone started at the same time or had access to the same resources. They wonder why you got ahead while they didn’t. Or, even harder for them to swallow, when they had more resources, yet you still accomplished more. Instead of facing that discomfort, they try to minimize your wins.
Scripts to try:
- “I’m proud of what I accomplished, even if it doesn’t make sense to everyone.”
- “I’m proud of the effort that went into this.”
- “Small or big, a win’s a win & I’ll take it.”
- “What makes you say that?”
- “I’m proud of this one. I’d love to hear what you’ve been working on too!"
Tips:
-When someone minimizes you, silently count to 3 before responding. That keeps you from over-explaining or defending.
-Don’t over-explain or shrink your win to protect them. Try limiting yourself to one clear sentence when sharing your win (e.g., “I’m really proud of finishing the project early”).
-Resist adding justifications like “but it was small” or “I got lucky.”
-If you catch yourself trailing into explanations, pause and close with confidence (e.g., "and that felt good”).
-Tell yourself: “Their reaction reflects their expectations, not my worth.”
2. When you show up happy & confident (and the whispers/eye rolls start)
What’s happening: Your energy stirs up what they feel they’re missing, joy, confidence, or ease in their own skin. Instead of confronting that, they whisper or judge.
Scripts to try:
-“I noticed that, everything okay?”
-"I noticed an eye roll, is everything okay?”
-“I could be misreading, but it seemed like something landed wrong, want to clear the air?”
-“I might be picking up on the wrong thing, but it felt like there was some tension. Are we okay?”
-“If something’s on your mind, I’d rather hear it directly.”
Tips:
-Name what you observe neutrally, and then open the door with curiosity rather than accusation. This keeps it assertive instead of defensive or aggressive.
-Choose timing wisely and wait to call it out 1:1 and not in front of other people.
-If you feel the sting of whispers or eye rolls, take a slow breath before deciding whether to engage. This interrupts the instinct to snap back or shrink.
-Build a “mental filter”: before internalizing, ask “Is this about me, or them?”
-Tell yourself: “My confidence doesn’t cause their discomfort, it shows them what they haven’t worked through yet.”
3. When they see you as competition (and go quiet or cold)
What’s happening: “Good for her” quietly turns into “Why not me?” Your growth makes them feel behind, so they pull back.
Scripts to try:
-“I’d love to celebrate this with you, your support means a lot to me.”
-“I value our friendship, so if something feels off, I’d rather clear it up.”
Tips:
-Protect your energy: not everyone gets front row access to your wins so avoid sharing your wins with people who aren’t capable of celebrating you because you’ll just be disappointed.
-Share your biggest news with your “celebration circle,” the people who clap the loudest, sometimes they can even be strangers.
-Tell yourself: “Their coldness is comparison, not truth. My success doesn’t take anything away from them.”
Tips to help you not take it personally
-Catch the first thought: Notice the moment you think, “What did I do wrong?” and tell yourself instead, “This tells me about them, not me.”
-Anchor in your body: Press your feet into the ground, go outside (change the scenery), or focus on your senses (what do you see, hear, feel, taste, touch) to shift your attention away from racing thoughts.
-Tell yourself: “Not mine to carry” or “Their discomfort is not my assignment.”
-Limit the replay loop: If you catch yourself replaying the interaction later, give yourself a cutoff (e.g., I’ll reflect/journal for 5 minutes, then I’m moving on).
-Reality check: Ask yourself “If this was a stranger on the street, would I give it this much weight?”
Reflection exercises to try:
-When have you felt the sting of being disliked or excluded “for no reason”?
-Did you take it personally, or were you able to see it as their insecurity?
-What script above would feel most natural for you to use in the moment?
Your takeaway:
You’re not here to dim your light for others, you’re here to grow because their reaction isn’t your assignment. Your only job is to show up fully as yourself.
Have a specific question or need some help? Head to The Lounge and ask away, others can chime in for support and I can provide some more tailored suggestions.
Xo,
Dr. C