4 Ways Mean Girls Gaslight You Into Thinking You’re the Problem (and How to Handle It)

Gaslighting in friendships is sneaky. It doesn’t always look like yelling or obvious manipulation. Instead, it shows up in quick comments and excuses that leave you wondering: “Am I overreacting? Did I make this up?”That’s the point, mean girls use gaslighting to keep you off balance so you stop questioning them. It’s a form of relational aggression, and it works by making you doubt yourself. Here are 4 common ways they do it plus the exact scripts and strategies to respond confidently.

1. They call you paranoid or say you’re overreading things

You notice something real, maybe you weren’t included in plans, or their tone shifted in a group chat. Instead of engaging, they dismiss it with “You’re paranoid” or “You’re overreading this.”

They do this because it flips the issue onto your perception, not their behavior. If you start doubting your instincts, you’ll stop holding them accountable.

Try these scripts if someone says this to you: 

• “I trust what I noticed.”

• “I’m not overreading, I’m sharing how it felt.”

• “Let’s focus on what happened, not my feelings.”

The key here is to avoid arguing your way into proving reality. State what you observed, then stop. This cuts through manipulation.

2. They say you’re creating drama

When you speak up, suddenly the problem isn’t their actions, it’s you. You’re labeled as dramatic for simply bringing up what happened.

They do this because it silences you and protects their image because if you feel guilty for raising concerns, you’ll stop doing it.

Try these scripts if someone says this to you:

• “Speaking up isn’t drama, it’s honesty.”

• “Naming a problem doesn’t create it.”

The key here is to keep your tone calm and steady because the more grounded you sound, the harder it is for them to stick the “drama” label on you.

3. They hide behind excuses

“I was busy.” “I forgot.” “I thought you already knew.” Excuses sound harmless once, but when they pile up, they become a shield against responsibility.

They do this because excuses protect them from accountability and leave you wondering if your expectations are unreasonable.

Here are scripts if someone says this to you: 

• “I value follow-through. Let me know if things change because I need to adjust what I expect.”

Your reminder that one excuse is human but be mindful of patterns.

4. They flip it into, “Well, what about when you…?”

You raise a concern, and suddenly they’re talking about something you did weeks ago. Now you’re on the defensive, and the real issue is buried.

They do this because deflection keeps the spotlight off them. If you’re busy defending yourself, they never have to own their behavior.

Here are scripts if someone says this to you: 

• “We can talk about that later, right now I’m addressing this.”

• “I’ll own my part, but this conversation is about what happened here.”

• “I don’t want to trade blame, I want to solve this.”

Make sure to anchor the conversation and avoid following them down the rabbit hole and bring it back to the issue you raised.

And here’s how to prevent getting pulled into Gaslighting: 

Scripts are powerful in the moment but prevention is about how you carry yourself before it spirals.

1. Trust your first read

Instead of replaying the conversation until you doubt yourself, ask: “What did I notice before they responded?” & stick to that.

Make sure to keep a quick note of patterns. Facts on paper stop you from second-guessing later.

2. Don’t over-explain

The more you explain, the more material they have to twist. Stick to short, direct lines.

Tell yourself: “Clear and calm is enough.”

3. Name the pattern, not just the moment

Gaslighting thrives when incidents feel isolated. If it’s happening repeatedly, call that out.

And you can use this script: “This isn’t about one time, I’ve noticed a pattern.”

4. Hold your body language steady

Gaslighting isn’t just verbal. If you look flustered, they’ll double down. Keep your tone calm, posture open, and eye contact steady.

5. Decide how close you want to stand

Sometimes the best prevention is distance. Boundaries aren’t punishment, they’re self-protection.

Tell yourself: “I can’t stop her from twisting things, but I can decide how close I let her stay.”

Your final takeaway: 
Gaslighting in friendships is designed to make you shrink. But once you know the patterns, you can spot them, respond with confidence, and stop playing the game. Because the truth is you were never “too paranoid,” “too dramatic,” or “too sensitive,” you just needed the words to call out the game.

Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away! Other members can chime in to offer support and I’ll reply with tailored suggestions.

Xo,
Dr. C