Are They One Upping You or Just Sharing?
-I can tell that means a lot to you.
-What made you bring that up?
-Things are going well all around.
-We’re all having a great time, that’s what matters.
Continue reading for a more in-depth explanation:
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking why did that suddenly feel like a competition? You’ve likely been one-upped.
The problem?
Most people either freeze or compete back, which only reinforces the cycle. Here’s how to tell the difference and how to respond confidently.
3 signs They’re One-Upping (Not Just Sharing)
1. Are they adding or outdoing?
Adding: They build on your story to connect
Outdoing: They shift the focus to themselves or share something bigger or better.
2. Is it every time?
An occasional flex is normal.
If they always counter your wins, it’s a pattern of one-upping.
3. How do you feel after?
Sharing leaves you feeling seen or supported.
One upping leaves you feeling dismissed, small, or like you’re in a silent content.
Why People One Up You:
Most one-uppers aren’t trying to be rude. They’re managing their own insecurities. Here’s what’s usually behind it:
They feel the need to “win” conversations to feel valuable.
They view you as quiet competition.
They’re masking self-doubt with status flexes.
They mistake flexing for bonding
If it only happens around you? They likely feel compared to you or fear being overlooked next to you.
Types of One-Uppers
Understanding their motivation gives you the power to respond confidently:
The Validation Seeker: They do it because they crave approval and want others to be impressed.
Your move = Stay neutral or amused. Don’t feed the ego.The Quiet Competitor: They do it because they feel compared to you and need to reassert themselves.
Your move = Disengage or redirect. Don’t join the status race.The Insecure Flexer: They do it because they hide insecurity by trying to prove they’re winning.
Your move = Acknowledge without reinforcing superiority.The Accidental Bonding Flexer: They do it because they think they’re connecting by sharing their own experiences but it comes off competitive.
Your move = Redirect to shared joy or experiences.
What to say:
-I can tell that means a lot to you.
This acknowledges them without validating the competition or inviting more flexing.
-What made you bring that up?
This flips the focus back to them, making them explain their motive and takes you out of the defensive role.
-Things are going well all around.
This redirects from comparison to shared positivity, signaling you’re not playing the status game.
-We’re all having a great time, that’s what matters.
Other alternatives are: Glad we’re both enjoying it OR That’s the best part, we’re all here having fun.
These work because you avoid validating superiority, you’re not competing back, and you’re subtly setting the tone for shared joy instead of silent competition.
& Here’s how to Relate Without Coming Off as One-Upping:
It’s normal to want to share your own experience when someone tells a story, that’s how we connect. The difference between relating and one-upping comes down to intention, timing, and tone. Here’s how to do it well without ever making yourself smaller:
Bridge, don’t outdo:
If someone shares a win or challenge, relate by adding a story that builds connection, not one that shifts focus or feels like you’re trying to top them. This doesn’t mean shrinking or downplaying your experience. You should never feel like you have to make yourself small. Instead, it’s about being mindful that the tone stays connective, not competitive.
For example:
Them: “I finally ran my first 5K!”
You: “That’s amazing! I remember how proud I felt after my first race too, such a huge milestone.” Here you share fully but keep the focus on shared celebration, not status comparison.
Keep the focus on them first:
Before adding your own story, reflect back what they shared or celebrate it.
For example:
“That’s such a big deal for you, congrats! I had a similar moment when…”
Use bridging language:
Signal that you’re sharing to connect, not compete. Try using phrases like any of the below to let the other person know your story is about shared experience, not topping theirs:
“That reminds me of…”
“I can relate because…”
“That makes me think of when…”
Read the room:
If they seem excited and open, sharing can feel like bonding. If they seem vulnerable or down, stay in support mode and avoid shifting the focus.
Your takeaway: When you recognize one-upping is driven by their insecurity, not your worth, you stop feeling triggered and start feeling in control.Next time they one-up you? Stay neutral. Redirect and watch the power shift.
Need more help? Head to the community forum and type your question away!
Xo,
Dr. C