Why “You Have Your Hands Full” Isn’t Just Small Talk, Here's 3 Assertive Comebacks
-The good kind of full.
-I’d be more worried if they weren’t.
-Is that your way of offering help?
Keep reading for a more in-depth explanation:
If you’ve ever felt that sting when someone says, “You have your hands full,” you’re not imagining it. What often sounds like a casual comment can carry subtle judgment or serve as a reminder that we appear overwhelmed or even as a quiet power play. Let’s break down why people say it, why it’s often directed at women and parents, and how these assertive comebacks can help you flip the script, stay calm, in control, without sounding defensive.
Why people say it:
Small Talk/ Fill Comment: At first glance it sounds like harmless small talk, it’s a default comment that can be used to fill silence in public places but beneath the surface, it can reveal much more.
Subtle Judgment: For some it can reflect their own overwhelm or inability to imagine handling what you’re handling.
Power Play: It can subtly position you as struggling with the speaker being the “calm & in control one.”
Unintentional/Thoughtless: While commenting on one’s level of busyness or parenting can be seen as empathic or friendly, it can unintentionally diminishes one’s competence.
Why It’s Often Repeated To You
People tend to direct this comment at:
Women more than men, parents of toddlers or energetic children, those who seem approachable or unlikely to challenge the comment, and people whose busy lifestyles challenge the speaker’s comfort zone. They rarely say it to highly authoritative or assertive persons because it risks social awkwardness if challenged.
Why it Can Feel Like a Microaggression
Even if said with a smile, it often:
-Assumes you’re struggling.
-Reinforces stereotypes of overwhelmed parents or a chaotic household
-Frames your life as burdensome even if you feel confident, capable, and fulfilled.
Why You Want To Use An Assertive Comeback
While defending yourself or smiling might be your instinct, neither flip the dynamic. That’s why using calm and confident comebacks can help you disarm the judgment. You can try any of these:
-Is that your way of offering help?
This works because it calls out the critique disguised as concern. It forces them to either backpedal or offer actual support, transferring the awkwardness back on them. You’re able to take back your power and make them own their words.
Use this when:
You sense a subtle judgment or passive-aggressive intent. You want to assertively set a boundary or challenge the comment without sounding hostile. Best for adults or family members who repeatedly make these comments.
-I’d be more worried if they weren’t.
This works especially well when your toddlers are energetic. It confidently reframes your child’s energy as a sign of healthy development and curiosity, not a problem to be managed. It positions their concern as unnecessary, even uninformed.
Use this when:
You want to assert your parenting competence playfully and the comment feels patronizing. This is good for acquaintances or family friends where a light tone can still help preserve the relationship.
-The good kind of full.
This works because it reframes the narrative positively. Instead of accepting the implied overwhelm or judgment, you reframe the situation as a positive choice. You communicate that while life is busy, you’re handling it by choice and without distress. This subtly shuts down pity or superiority while keeping the interaction light. It also sidesteps any potential conflict or escalation. You neither reject the comment nor agree with it and puts you back in control while appearing confident.
Use this when:
You want to keep it light and you want to avoid any discomfort in causal or public settings.
Need more comebacks, head back to the search bar and type in the topic you’d like help with. If it’s not there yet, head to the community forum and ask a question and i’ll get back to you!
Xo,
Dr. C