The one skill that helps you be more assertive: tolerating discomfort
Most people already know what they really want to say during conversations. What really does stop them is anticipating the awkward silence or how that person may see them immediately after. Learning how to be assertive isn’t about only knowing what to say, it’s about learning how to not abandon what you said the moment, it becomes uncomfortable.
That’s because truly learning how to be assertive requires more than communication skills, it requires the ability to tolerate discomfort.
And when you truly speak up for what you want or would like to see, there can be this moment of uncertainty. The other person may become quiet, disappointed, disagree with you, or even ask that you think about your answer again. And when you’re used to keeping the peace, this can be really hard to do this, so you just end up undoing what you originally said, start overexplaining, or even trying to make it up to them.
This moment of feeling uncomfortable doesn’t mean you were rude or you did something wrong. And you’re going to need to learn how to separate discomfort from wrongdoing. A conversation can feel uncomfortable even when you communicated respectfully and someone can still be disappointed by your answer without you having mistreated them.
Ask yourself:
“Did I communicate respectfully or disrespectfully?”
Being assertive means you’re respecting the other person and yourself.
Being aggressive is respecting only your own needs but disrespecting the other person.
The next time you have your next conversation, practice staying with what you said. Tolerating discomfort doesn’t mean becoming cold or refusing to care about the other person’s feelings. It means you can care about how they feel without immediately changing your answer to make them feel better (while ignoring your own). Try this:
Say what you need to say clearly and respectfully
Pause instead of immediately explaining, apologizing, or softening
Ask yourself, “Did I do something wrong or does this just feel uncomfortable?
If you communicated respectfully, give the other person time to process your answer. You don’t have to fill every silence or fix every disappointed reaction. Start practicing this in baby steps. Saying no to a plan when you don’t have emotional capacity or saying when a time doesn’t work for you. The goal is to show yourself that you can express what you need and want and survive the discomfort that’s going to follow. You become assertive by speaking respectfully and learning that you can handle the discomfort afterwards (not waiting until speaking up feels comfortable).
Going through something or having trouble coming up with something to say? Head to Dear Dr. C and I'll get back to you with tailored scripts and tips. Prefer a 1:1 to help you be more assertive? Head to the book a session tab and members get 10% off with code: Member.
xo,
Dr.C