How to get closer with an acquaintance and become closer friends. Part 1
Adult friendships can stay in the acquaintance stage for a very long time. You talk when you see each other, you may follow each other online, even attend the same events or share mutual friends. The interactions are all friendly but you still can’t tell whether she genuinely wants to become closer or simply enjoys having you as part of her wider social circle.
The confusing part is that friendliness and genuine interest can look pretty similar at first. Someone can enjoy talking to you at a party without wanting a friendship outside of the group. She can respond warmly when you reach out without ever initiating herself. She can also appreciate your invites, introductions or support without bringing you any further into her own life.
Instead of trying to decode one interaction, look for reciprocity over time. Does the interest, access and effort move in both directions? Here are 4 signs she does want to become closer.
She wants to spend time with you 1:1. She’s interested in seeing you when there is no party, exciting event, or larger group attached. She may suggest a lunch, walk, or something just plain old ordinary and she actually follows through. This 1:1 time matters because it gives a friendship room to develop beyond the role each person plays in a group. It also shows that she values your company, not only the access, entertainment or social opportunity surrounding you. This doesn’t mean she has to constantly invite you places because people can be busy and some are less comfortable initiating. Just see if she’s receptive and helps move the plan forward when you suggest something.
She remembers what you tell her and asks about it later. Friendship should never feel like you are only an audience for someone else’s life. Notice whether there is space for your experiences too. Does she ask questions? Does she remember your answers? Does she make room for you to share or does every conversation only focus on her?
She reaches out to just say hi and for no reason. This shows you that you cross her mind even when you aren’t useful to her in that moment. Pay attention to her overall pattern. Does she only ever contact you when she needs advice, access, information or emotional support? Or does she sometimes reach out simply to maintain the connection? You don’t need constant texting but it’s important to know if your contact exists beyond requests.
She brings you into her world too. She introduces you to her people, includes you when it makes sense and supports what matters to you. You are not always the one opening your network, extending invites or creating opportunities for connection. This doesn’t mean she has to invite you to everything, healthy friends can have separate relationships and plans. But over time, you should not feel as though you continually bring her closer while she keeps you at the edge of her life.
Here are some tips to help you move closer:
-You don’t need to ask, “Do you want to be better friends?” or wait indefinitely for her to make the first move. Give the friendship one clear opportunity to move forward:
“I always have a nice time chatting with you. Want to go for a walk next week or following?”
“I feel like we always start good conversations and then have to leave. Want to continue this over a walk/dinner/lunch?”
“You mentioned wanting to try that restaurant, I do too. Want to go together?”
-Try making the plan specific and offer two options. If neither works, see if she suggests another time. Someone who is interested but genuinely unavailable will often help keep the plan alive.
-You also don’t have to create an elaborate plan to prove you want to be friends. invite her to something ordinary like a park playdate, a walk, even target.
“I’m running to target after pickup if you want to join.”
“I’m grabbing coffee before the meeting. Want to join?”
“I’m taking the kids to the park after school. Come!”
-Try following up on something she told you.
"Hey, how did that presentation/dr apt go?”
-Move from group contact to 1:1:
“We always hang out with everyone, want to go for a walk, just us?”
-Making one or 2 genuine attempts is not needy. You are giving the relationship an opportunity. Chasing happens when you repeatedly try to create closeness after the person consistently avoids plans with you, gives vague answers or accepts your effort without offering any of her own.
-Match the investment you are receiving. Ask yourself, are you reaching out because you genuinely want to or because you’re hoping more effort will finally make her choose me?
I can’t reiterate this enough but if she is friendly but does not move toward you, take that information seriously. She may like you while only wanting an acquaintance level relationship. That isn’t necessarily rejection but it is her way of telling you the level of closeness she has the capacity for.
There’s more to unload her so stick around for part 2. Until then, head to Dear Dr. C if you have a question or situation you’re going through and need help navigating. Prefer a private 1:1? Members get 10% off with code: Member.
xo,
Dr. C