When you can't invite someone because someone doesn't like your friend: Mean girl check ep. 1
One of the biggest myths about mean girls is that they happen to be the one that’s the loudest in the room. Often, the real power comes from the people who quietly go along with them. Recently, I had someone share this with me and asked me what they should do. With permission (she asked that I share this) I'm sharing it below for the first of our Mean Girl Checks series:
“I can’t invite you to my child’s birthday part this year. Someone pretty high up in the school social circle doesn’t like you so I need to socially distance myself from you.”
What I told her and what I will share today is that she was essentially admitting that they’re allowing another person’s social status to make decisions for them. Here’s what I told her to do and what you should do if you find yourself in this scenario.
Before deciding what any behavior means, I always need to first know what happened.
For context, if someone did nothing and the woman with more influence didn’t like this person or her child for absolutely zero reason, here’s what I’d say:
“I appreciate you being honest. Can I ask what happened? I totally wasn’t expecting that.” Once she replies with something like: “Nothing, she just doesn’t like you” or “I don’t want to upset her.” You can say, “So if a parent doesn’t like another parent, does that mean we can’t be friends or the kids?” If she were to say yes, of course we can: “I appreciate that, I just don’t see how when someone else gets to decide when we spend time together.”
But if say something did in fact happen, I'd still say something like, “Can I ask what happened?” Because if there’s a genuine conflict, misunderstanding, or breach of trust that is different than someone simply disliking you for no reason. After they reply, you can say something like:
“If she wouldn’t had objected, would you have invited us?” or
“Do you think the children are benefiting from this decision? Or are they being pulled into an adult conflict?”
If she just deflects you can say something like, “That’s sad. I hate seeing kids miss out because of things going on with the adults.” or “I wonder what happens when someone else becomes the person she doesn’t like.”
Now if you’re the friend being pressured to not invite someone and you know nothing had happened then:
This actually ends up being the part we don’t talk about enough. Many women don’t actually dislike the person being excluded. They’re just afraid they’ll become the next target and losing their place. And that fear is what makes good people stay quiet. The thing is every time we go along with it, we teach the group that social pressure works. So if you find yourself in this position and you know this person didn’t do anything to this person to justify not inviting them you can simply say something to keep it light like:
“Ah let’s not get into that! You won’t have to be anywhere near her.” or
“Come on, it’ll be fine, you won’t have to interact with her. This is for the kids.”
And if you notice that now you’re now all of a sudden not being invited remember, standing up to unhealthy group dynamics may sometimes come at a cost, just know that if your place in the group depends on excluding someone else today what happens when it’s your turn tomorrow? Groups that are built on fear rarely stay stable and the target will change.
Your final takeaway:
Healthy friendships don’t require permission slips and you shouldn’t have to earn your seat by proving that you’re willing to exclude someone else. One of the strongest signs of emotional confidence is being able to make your own decisions, even when someone more influential hopes you won’t.
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xo,
Dr. C