Ever lose a friend because of they married?
One of the hardest losses to make sense of is when someone you were close to suddenly disappears after getting into a serious relationship or getting married. Yes, sometimes friendships naturally change after married, their priorities are going to shift, couples are going to spend more time together and that’s all very normal. But sometimes the change isn’t about growing apart, it’s about control. Knowing the difference between the two though can be pretty hard.
Healthy boundaries vs. controlling behavior
If someone is telling you:
“I don’t feel comfortable spending time with them because of how they treat me.” That focus there is on the behavior. This is a boundary and okay.
Control sounds more like, “I don’t think or want you to hang out with them.” or even “I don’t like that couple” or “they’re not good for us.” The thing is nothing happened, there is no legitimate reason for why they don’t like them. One of these is a healthy boundary and the other is trying to control who you or they spend time with.
It may be control instead of a healthy boundary if:
Nothing harmful happened but the friendship was still cut off. If someone repeatedly crossed boundaries, was verbally abusive, lied, manipulated or disrespected the relationship well then they have every right to set a boundary and if you cross it well, there’s going to be consequences. That’s very different from simply not liking someone, competing with them socially, or feeling threatened by them. It’s always worth asking why it ended.
Only certain friendships disappear. Sometimes they’ll withdraw from only one couple and not all of them, usually it’s just the people their partner doesn’t like. That’s very different from naturally becoming busier after marriage.
Decisions stop feeling like their own. Pay attention if they say, “I’ve decided” vs. “She doesn’t want us hanging out.” They can just be trying to avoid conflict at home and going along with their spouse.
But before assuming it’s control, it’s worth knowing that some things may be happening inside the marriage that you know nothing about. Maybe the friend feels truly hurt by something you never realized, there was a misunderstanding, or that they’re intentionally stepping back for reasons they haven’t shared. Here’s what not to do:
Avoid saying: “She’s controlling you.” Why? They’ll become defensive and will distance themselves from you even more.
What to try instead: “I've missed spending time with you lately, is everything okay?” or “I’ve noticed we haven’t seen each other as much. I’d love to understand what’s changed.”
We don’t want them to feel like they have to defend their partner or choose between the two of you because when they do, they’re naturally going to pick their partner. Your goal is to keep the relationship safe enough that they can open up to you.
Now if you’re the one whose partner wants you to end a friendship
Ask yourself:
Has this person done something harmful?
Is this protecting me or is it controlling who I'm allowed to have relationships with?
Would I make this decision if nobody pressured me?
Healthy relationships can absolutely have boundaries but they don’t require you to give up people who treated you well simply because someone else doesn’t like them.
Your final takeaway:
Not every friendship that changes after marriage is the result of control, sometimes it really is you guys genuinely growing apart and sometimes, yes, boundaries are necessary. BUT when someone begins deciding who another adult is allowed to spend time with, especially when those friendships haven’t been harmful, that’s no longer just about protecting the relationship, they’re just controlling them. It’s always worth asking whether it’s protecting someone’s wellbeing or just shrinking their world.
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xo,
Dr. C