How to stop replaying conversations at night
Have you ever laid in bed replaying a conversation from something that had just happened? It happens to the best of us and here are 4 tips to start doing now so you can finally stop.
Separate the facts from the story you’re telling yourself. When you’re able to separate the two, the conversation usually becomes less threatening because most of the things you aren’t actually replaying are facts, they’re assumptions you’re making about what happened.
Take out a piece of paper and divide it into two columns.
Facts:
I met my friend for coffee. We met for an hour. We talked about X,Y, Z.
Story:
I talked too much. She looked bored. She probably won’t invite me again.
Give yourself a 5-10 minute replay window.
Instead of telling yourself not to think about it (which doesn’t work), schedule time for it. Write what happened down. And after that stop. If you think about it again, tell yourself:
“Not now. I’ve already thought about this/this isn’t my replay time.”
The point of this is to train yourself that not every thought that comes into mind deserves immediate attention and you’ll start noticing that it stops to feel as important.
Ask yourself, is there anything you can actually do?
If the answer is yes, then decide what to do. Do you have to clarify something? Send a follow up text? Apologize if you said something that really could have come off the wrong way? If so, do it the next day, not now, and especially not in the evening. And if the answer is no, there’s nothing you can do, then remind yourself.
“There’s nothing to solve right now.”
End the day by looking for what went right. Before bed, write down 3 things that happened during the conversation that went well and that you’re proud of. Maybe you asked really thoughtful questions? Made them laugh? Introduced yourself to someone new? Spoke up when you normally would’ve stay quiet. The goal is to start training your brain to start paying attention to the full conversation, not just the parts that make you feel uncomfortable.
Your final takeaway:
Replaying conversation doesn’t necessarily mean that something went wrong but the more you start separating facts from your own stories, giving yourself boundaries, and focusing on what you can control, the easier it’ll be to let conversations stay where they belong, in the past.
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xo,
Dr. C