How to stop assuming people don't like you
Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking that someone didn’t like you? Here are four things you can start doing today to help you stop assuming people don’t like you:
Stop collecting facts and evidence for only one side.
When we worry that someone doesn’t like us, we become detectives looking for proof. This looks like they didn’t text back quickly or that they seemed very quiet or even that they didn’t ask many questions. Don’t forget to pay attention to evidence that points in the opposite direction too. Maybe they laughed at your jokes, they invited you out, or even that they were telling you how stressed they were.
-Try this exercise: Take out a piece of paper and write down 3 things that support that they don’t like you and then also write down 3 things that support that they do like you. This shows you that you’re not paying attention to the whole story. Don’t discount the positive too.
Stop mind reading.
One of the quickest ways to fuel anxiety is believing you know what someone else is thinking. So let’s start telling ourselves: “I don’t actually know what she’s thinking.” That one small sentence creates room for other possibilities your thoughts never considered. Maybe she’s tired, distracted, or has something going on in her life. And if you want to ask her, perhaps say something like: “You seemed a lot quieter than usual the other day. Did you notice that too? I wanted to check in, instead of assuming.”
Look at patterns, not moments.
Remember that one awkward interaction doesn’t define a whole relationship. Ask yourself instead these questions:
-Have they consistently shown up for me?
-Do they usually respond?
-Have they invited me before?
-Is this a pattern or a one time situation?
Ask a different question to yourself.
Instead of asking yourself “Do they like me?” ask yourself, “Did I show up the way I wanted to?” Were you curious? Kind? Respectful? Because if you can leave knowing you acted in a way that reflects your values, than that’s what you should focusing your energy on instead.
Your final takeaway:
The goal isn’t to convince yourself that everyone likes you, your goal is to stop assuming they don’t without hard facts and evidence. The more you practice these habits, the less you’re going to spend on these type of unhelpful thoughts that don’t make things any better for you.
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xo,
Dr. C