How to navigate Family Mean Girls
If you’ve ever left a holiday wondering why you suddenly felt like an outsider in your own family, it’s not just you. Family mean girls will rarely ever come out and announce, “we don’t want you here.” Instead, they’ll use more subtle and quieter forms of exclusion that slowly make you question your spot in the family. If a mean girl in your family has ever done one of these things, here’s what to do next:
-They make plans in front of you with other close family members and don’t invite you.
Nothing really does quite hurt like hearing your other sisters in law discuss a dinner, trip, or girls day right in front of you. I think the part that hurts even more isn’t the part that you weren’t invited, it’s that you weren’t even considered.
What to do:
First, pay attention. Is this a one time oversight or this a repeated pattern of repeatedly being left out by one person? If one person is controlling all of the invites, then start doing your own inviting. You don’t need to wait for her to invite you to a plan, instead make your own because the more direct relationships you have with those in your family, the less influence she is going to have over your spot in the family.
-They turn family traditions into “their thing.”
Over time, traditions that once felt like family traditions begin feeling invite only. Instead of assuming you’ll be there, you’re now left wondering whether anyone is going to ask you to join.
What to do:
Just because the same, one person keeps hosting an event doesn’t mean you can’t belong there. So don’t wait for traditions to happen, ask about them early and try to create a role inside the tradition (you’re in charge of games, the family photographer, in charge of dessert table). Try reaching out and saying something like:
“Hey, are we doing our annual cookie day this Christmas (Memorial Day bbq, group trip)? I’d love to plan ahead if so and help out.”
-They share lies or half truths about you.
Now when it happens behind close doors, a story has been told about you or important details get left out, don’t be surprised if family members like your MIL or SIL start seeing you differently and through their version of events rather their own experiences with you.
What to do:
Unfortunately, we can’t control every story someone is going to tell about you but you can give people a different experience of you. So start investing in those relationships 1:1 so you’re not trying to defend yourself through someone else. Try a script like:
“Hey, want to go for a walk/lunch/shopping? I always have such a nice time with you.”
-You’re told the family group chat is for immediate family only but another extended member somehow is part of it.
Nothing creates confusion faster than rules that only seem to apply to you. Instead of making it a thing and an argument have your significant other address it. Have them try a script like:
“Hey everyone! I’m going to add Abby to the chat since spouses are now part of this one.”
Your final takeaway:
If this felt familiar head over to Dear Dr. C and tell me which of these you’re dealing with or if I skipped what’s going on in your family. I’ll then help you come up with scripts and tips for what to do next. If you’d prefer 1:1 coaching and something more private, head to the book a session tab above and members get 10% off with code: Member.
xo,
Dr. C