3 Assertive Comebacks for When Someone Says, “We Didn’t Think You’d Want to Come”
It sounds harmless, “We didn’t think you’d want to come.” But underneath is an assumption that quietly takes away your choice. Whether it’s a school-mom dinner, a work event, or a friend gathering, the subtext often feels like: “We decided for you.” Here’s how to respond in ways that keep your self-respect intact and makes it clear: next time, you want to be asked, not assumed.
1. “What made you think I wouldn’t?”
Why it works: It invites accountability without aggression. You’re not accusing, you’re asking for information. This shifts the discomfort back where it belongs with the person who made the assumption.
Who to use it with: Use this with friends, peers, or coworkers who should know you better, the ones who should’ve known you’d appreciate being included. It works best when you suspect the comment is a polite cover for intentional exclusion.
2. “It’s always nice to be thought of, ask me next time!”
Why it works: It’s calm and composed, yet assertive. You’re reminding them that inclusion matters to you and that your preferences aren’t theirs to predict.
Who to use it with: Perfect for mom groups, school parents, or acquaintances where you want to preserve harmony and peace (avoid drama) but still set a clear boundary. It keeps things light while reinforcing a respectful norm: let you decide.
3. “Count me in next time before you count me out.”
Why it works: It blends confidence with warmth. There’s no resentment in your tone, just self-assurance. You’re setting a subtle expectation: You don’t get to decide for me.
Who to use it with: Best for casual friend groups or colleagues, moments when you want to maintain connection and humor while still naming the behavior. It lands especially well when you deliver it with a smile.
And what if you have said no before?
If you’ve declined past invites due to logistics, maybe childcare, schedules, or burnout the assumption might be based on pattern, not pettiness. In that case, you can still assert your interest without defensiveness:
Try: “I know I’ve had to skip a few things before, but I don’t want that to be mistaken for disinterest.”
Why it works: It acknowledges reality without self-blame. You’re showing maturity and reopening the door to inclusion, making it clear that your “no” in the past wasn’t disinterest, it was circumstance.
Have a specific scenario or question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, that’s where I take your consult style questions and you get to stay anonymous.
xo,
Dr. C