4 Things Mean Girls Do During the Holidays and How to Take Your Power Back
The holidays should be a time of belonging and connection, not a reminder of who didn’t include you. But for many women, this season can surface subtle exclusion and passive-aggressive behavior that hits just as hard as open hostility. Here’s what grown mean girls do and how to show up differently so you don’t lose your power, confidence, or self-respect.
1. You find out you weren’t invited to Friendsgiving through someone’s story.
The “so grateful for my girls” caption stings because it tells you exactly where you stand or rather, where you don’t.
What’s really happening: This isn’t about an oversight. It’s about control and optics. Keeping you guessing keeps them in charge of the narrative.
How to take your power back:
Ground yourself: You’re not the outsider here & you’re not missing out, you’re just not playing their game & you’re being redirected toward people who value you the same way you value them.
Shift your focus: Spend your energy planning your own small dinner or inviting people who make you feel wanted.
If you decide to say something:
“Hey, I saw the photos, looked like a great night! I didn’t realize you all were planning something.”
This isn’t confrontation, it’s self-respect in real time. You’re showing what you’ll tolerate.
2. They act innocent after excluding you.
When you finally address it, they respond:
“You should’ve come!” as if you misunderstood.
What’s really happening:
They’re rewriting the story to protect their image and make you question reality, a classic form of relational gaslighting.
How to take your power back:
Don’t play the confusion game. Respond calmly, without defensiveness.
“I appreciate that but I wasn’t invited.”Then redirect the conversation. You’ve acknowledged the truth without feeding their drama loop.
3. They “accidentally” show you their packed holiday calendar.
They scroll through their phone, conveniently showing the dinners, the Secret Santa exchange, the cookie-decorating play date. The goal isn’t inclusion, it’s a reminder.
What’s really happening: It’s a social hierarchy display, a way to reinforce who’s in.
How to take your power back:
Don’t bite the bait. You don’t owe them a reaction. Pretend you didn’t see it, that silence keeps your power where it belongs: with you. You don’t need to comment or perform interest, quiet indifference is the most powerful boundary.
If you say anything at all, keep it light and unbothered:
“Ha, it’s that time of year.” Then smoothly change the subject, “Did you end up finding a tree yet?” or “How’s work been lately?” You’ve disengaged without defensiveness, signaling you’re not impressed or intimidated. The second you stop reacting, you stop playing their game. Control shifts back to you, quietly, completely, and with grace.
4. They slip in subtle digs disguised as small talk.
“Oh, you’re doing plastic holiday decorations this year? That’s cute, we just do fresh garlands, I love how festive they smell.”
What’s really happening: It’s a status check. The words may sound friendly, but the intention is comparison and subtle superiority.
How to take your power back:
Name it internally, not out loud. This helps your brain stay calm instead of reactive.
And lightly reframe: “Love that we each have our own holiday traditions.” This response protects your peace and quietly reminds them you’re not here to compete.
Your Final Takeaway:
Mean girl dynamics thrive in silence. The more you freeze or over-explain, the more control they gain. When you pause, ground yourself, and choose your response instead of your reaction, you send a powerful message: You don’t need to be included to belong.
Have a specific question or scenario you’re going through? Head to The Lounge, that’s where I take consult style questions and you get to stay anonymous.
Xo,
Dr. C