4 ways Mean Girl Moms treat you differently during the first week of school
The first week of school has either already happened or about to happen for you and with it come new teachers and routines. But. Yes, there’s a but and it can also bring back old social dynamics right to the surface. Suddenly, you’re back at pickup, school events, and crossing paths with moms you may have not seen all summer. And if you’ve ever dealt with a Mean Girl Mom, you may notice something incredibly confusing. She doesn’t treat you the same way every time you see her.
One day, she’s warm and interested in you. The next day, she barely acknowledges you (and it’s not because she’s going through something or busy). Then, out of nowhere, she wants to know everything about your child’s class, your plans, and whom you’ve been hanging out with and she’s doing this this to get information out of you or access to someone she wants. And when she has what she needs, she’s gone. Here are four ways, that can show up during the first week of school:
She hides your friendship around other moms
When it’s just the two of you, she’s super friendly, talks openly, shares things, and may even want to hang out. But when other moms are around, she’s distant and acts like you barely know eachother. You’re then left wondering if you had imagined the closeness all along. Know that you didn’t, she’s just comfortable being your friend privately and uncomfortable being seen as your friend publicly.
What to do? Don’t work harder to prove that you know her in public. Simply match the level of familiarity she’s showing you. A simple, “Nice to see you,” then continue talking to someone else.
Every interaction seems like you’re starting from scratch
You have a great conversation one day and the next day, it’s like that conversation never happened. Every time you see them, you’re reset back to strangers. Healthy relationships build slowly but there’s still some sense of moving forward, even if it’s snail pace.
What to do? Stop trying to recreate the level of closeness she showed you last time you spoke. You can refer back to it thought. “We talked about that last time we saw each other at (name the location), maybe you don’t remember.”
She becomes overly friendly when she wants information. Who’s in your child’s class? Did you get the teacher you wanted? Who have you been hanging out with? Are you still close with her? Any of these can be small talk and completely innocent but pay attention to what happens AFTER you answer. Does she stay connected or does her warmth disappear the second she gets her update.
What to do? You don’t have to give her complete unrestricted access to your life, until you know what she’s doing with the information. Instead try replying with:
“We’ve had a nice start to the year” or “We’ve been hanging out with a few different people.”
She becomes interested when you have access to someone she wants to know
Then suddenly out of nowhere, she wants to make plans but her interest is really about who’s in your orbit. Your child is in a class with someone she’d love to meet or you’re in a group she wants access to. There’s nothing wrong with meeting mutual friends but if she only wants to hang out to get to those people rather than hang with you, that’s important to pay attention to. You don’t need to expose her for doing this but just be more selective about what and whom you’re sharing.
What to do? Don’t automatically introduce her or turn your relationship into the entry point. Let her ask directly for it.
“She’s so nice. I'm sure you’ll cross paths at some point.”
Your final takeaway:
All of these can be so confusing because you never know which version of her you’re going to get today. But please pay attention to how she’s consistently treating you, a one off isolated thing isn’t the problem but trust what she does over time. You should never have to start from scratch every time you walk into the room and you see someone.
Going through something? Head to Dear Dr. C and I'll get back to you with tailored scripts and tips and others may jump in with support too.
xo,
Dr. C