Left out of the Halloween plan or group costume? Here's what to do
Your daughter just found out she’s not part of the group costume or halloween plan and you’re not sure what to do. Do you talk to the moms or do you step back and let her handle it? Here are a few ways to help you navigate this confidently without creating drama, chasing, or missing out. After all, halloween is supposed to be fun so let’s chat a few possible scenarios that can come up:
1- Everyone has a group costume except for you
Let’s say 6 girls are in a friend group and 5 are doing a costume together. Your daughter is the only one who wasn’t included. Before assuming exclusion was intentional, let’s find out what happened. Did the other girls tell her she couldn’t participate? Did she ever express interest? Or did they make plans without considering her? If costumes haven’t been finalized yet and she really does want to participate, I'd ask one time (only one):
“I heard you guys are doing a group costume. What character can I do?”
Asking once isn’t begging but repeatedly trying to convince people who have already said no is where we want to draw the line. See what happens next, are they excited and want her in then great! But if they keep changing the rules or get dismissive, I'd help her move on to another plan rather than spend weeks trying to get their approval.
2- The large friend group splits into smaller costume groups and becomes secretive
Imagine 10-15 girls that hang out are now splitting into 4 smaller groups and none asked your daughter to be a part of one. Use the same script as above and ask one time to be a part of the one your daughter wants to be a part of (asking once isn’t begging). Being in different costume groups doesn’t automatically mean they’re no longer friends but when these groups start being exclusive with their plans and costumes, that’s when it can start crossing a line. Here’s what to say:
“You guys can keep it a surprise. I'll find out on Halloween.” Then change the subject. She doesn’t need to be asking them nonstop questions, we don’t want to chase them.
3- When you don’t know how to find someone to dress up with
Instead of waiting for an invite, have your daughter identify 2-3 girls girls she’d genuinely have fun with. They don’t have to be her closest friends, they can be girls she’s been wanting to get closer with or even from another class. Here’s how she can ask:
“Hey! Do you have a halloween costume yet?” Wait for her to answer if she says no, then she can say: “I was thinking it’d be fun to do something together!” She can then add on: “I found a really cute idea for 2 or 3 people. Interested?”
4- She’s been left out but still wants to hang out with the girls
This one starts getting complicated. Ask your daughter: “Who would you invite if you weren’t worried about being left out?” We want to make sure she’s picking people she genuinely likes vs. people she feels pressured to keep close from fear of consequences. “Who makes an effort with you? Who invites you to things? Who reaches out to you?” We want to recognize reciprocity, not just popularity.
If she still says some of the girls that are part of those costume groups she can tell them:
“Oh okay. I was hoping we’d all get together at some point. Maybe we can meet up later?” or “I know we’re doing different costumes but I thought it’d be fun to do a sleepover afterwards.”
5- Moms, when should you intervene:
I know it can be so tempting to text another mom when your daughter comes home upset but before you do anything, ask yourself this question:
Does your daughter need help solving this or does she need help learning how to handle it?
If this is a one time thing, then help coach her through this. If this is a repeated pattern of being left out, being publicly humiliated, intimidation, or girls deliberately turning others against her, that’s different. But I still wound’t contact another mom just to pressure her daughter into including yours into a costume group. If you do reach out, here’s one way to try:
“Hey! I know the girls are still figuring out costumes. Are they all set with their costume groups or plans? Or is everyone doing separate things? We’re trying to figure out our plans!”
Group costumes aren’t the problem, it’s when they create an obvious divide among kids who were already friends. Not every child needs to be a part of every plan but there’s a big difference between a few friends making plans and deliberately making another child feel like she doesn’t belong.
Halloween homework:
Before Halloween, sit down together and have her answer these 5 questions:
What would make Halloween fun for you? Regardless of what the group is doing.
Who are three girls I genuinely enjoy spending time with.
Who has been making an effort to include me lately?
Am I trying to join a group because I want to spend time with them or because I'm afraid of being left out?
What’s one plan I can make this week instead of waiting to be invited?
Then have your daughter take one action. Maybe she texts a friend about costumes, maybe she invites 2 friends to do trick or treating, or maybe she organizes a sleepover. This is a reminder to your daughter that she can create her own opportunities for connection rather than waiting for someone else to choose her.
Are you or your daughter going through something and need more specific help? Head to Dear Dr. C and I'll get back to you with tailored scripts and tips. Prefer a private 1:1? Head to book a session above and members get 10% off with code: Member.
xo,
Dr. C