When the Mean Girl Moms leave you out on Halloween
Halloween is supposed to be about candy, costumes, and your kids running ahead of you down the sidewalk. So why does it all of a sudden feel like middle school now that you’re a grown adult? Was it the group costume you just found out about it and now your child is asking you, “Why didn’t they tell me?” Or was it the party you just found out about on social media that everyone from your mom friend group or kid’s friends group was invited to, except for you. And it wasn’t because you didn’t know the host. Or was it the dig they just made about your costume?
Here’s what to do if any of these scenarios happen to you or your child this Halloween, that way you’re not caught off guard:
The group costume:
The whole class, friend group, or mom friend group is dressed in theme and you’re the only not part of it. In that moment you don’t need to defend yourself, here’s an assertive response to use so you come off unbothered and composed:
“So cute! We went with our own thing this year.”
If you hear about the group costume and Halloween hasn’t happened yet, you can try:
“I heard a group costume is happening for the class. What’s the theme? Can you add me to the chat?” I know this is direct but it names the chat without accusing anyone of leaving you out and it puts a simple yes or no on the table.
The Party you never heard about:
Everyone from the group or class is at a Halloween party and you’re the only one that wasn’t told. I know your first instinct is to comment on the post or bring it up at pickup. But before you do anything, please give yourself one rule and that’s to not respond the same day. We don’t want to give them reaction they may be trying to get. Here’s a great reply to try:
“So fun! Looks like we both had a great Halloween.”
If the party hasn’t happened yet, you can try communicating once to the host (do not invite yourself but you can say):
“Heard you’re having a party, how fun.”
Trick or treating plans made right in front of you
They’re standing right next to you while you’re all talking then they start talking about trick or treating but never once bother to say, “Want to join us?”
Try: “So fun! We’ll be in that area, wave “hi” if you see us.” You’re leaving the door open for an invite but you’re not chasing an invite either. You can then excuse yourself because you don’t need to stay around a conversation where they’re leaving you out.
The backhanded costume comment
“Oh you’re still doing family costumes?” Said with a smile and now you’re wondering is that a normal question, comment, or were they trying to make fun of you. Please don’t defend your choices, every family does things differently. Try replying assertively like:
“We are! We love doing it!” then change the subject or walk away.
When your child notices it:
As parents, we try to shield our kids from the most hurt we possibly can but sometimes it happens right in front of them and they do notice. One type of reply to “Why wasn’t I in the group costume?” or “Why didn’t we go to the party?” is “I noticed that too. How did it feel for you?” and afterwards they answer a, “What would make you feel better about it?” Then help them with following through on wha would make them feel better.
Your takeaway:
A few good lines can get you through Halloween but if this is a pattern, if it’s the same group, the same feeling, and it’s starting to affect how you show up or how your child sees their place at school, you’re going to need more than a few scripts. Every situation is going to be different and that’s the type of work I do 1:1 with moms. If you’re reading this and Halloween hasn’t hit yet, I have limited weekend appointments left. Members get 10% off too with code: Member.
Don’t let a group of moms decide how this season will look like for you, only you get to decide that!
xo,
Dr. C