Healthy Mom Group or Toxic Mom Group?
If you’ve ever felt unsure where you stand in a group, the instinct is usually to look inward.
Did I say the wrong thing?
Should I explain myself?
Do I need to smooth this over?
These self-checks exist to interrupt that reflex. They help you assess the environment before you assess yourself, so you’re not shrinking, chasing, or overfunctioning in response to a misaligned dynamic.
Self Check #1: Does Belonging Feel Steady or Conditional?
Toxic self-check
Do people in the group change their behavior to avoid upsetting one person?
Do you feel like you have to stay agreeable, available, or carefully edited to keep your place?
Does being less available or saying the “wrong” thing change how you’re treated?
Do you feel like you’re constantly reearning your spot?
Healthy baseline
Belonging feels steady and busy seasons don’t cost you closeness. Boundaries don’t create punishment. Your place doesn’t depend on emotional labor or constant self-monitoring. Healthy groups don’t require you to perform for security.
What to do if this feels toxic
Pause the urge to explain or repair. This is a moment to observe patterns, not chase reassurance. Pull back slightly and notice whether warmth returns on its own or only when you reengage, apologize, or accommodate. If your place only stabilizes when you shrink, that’s information.
Self Check #2: Is Communication Direct or Indirect?
Toxic self-check
When something feels off, is it ever addressed with you? Or do concerns show up as:
silence
tension
sudden distance
gossip
conversations happening around you instead of with you
Do you feel like you’re left to decode the atmosphere instead of being spoken to directly?
Healthy baseline
Communication stays direct. And if something feels off, it’s named. Distance isn’t used as a message. You’re not expected to guess what you did or read between the lines. Healthy groups don’t make you chase answers.
What to do if this feels toxic
Resist filling in the silence with self-blame. You’re allowed to wait before responding or choose a simple, grounded check-in rather than an emotional reach-out. If direct communication is consistently avoided, your nervous system will stay on edge no matter how “nice” everyone is.
Self Check #3: What Happens When New People Join?
Toxic self-check
When new people enter the group, did your closeness suddenly change? Did you feel quietly replaced, pushed out, or repositioned without explanation? Did inclusion start to feel competitive like there was only room for a certain number of people?
Healthy baseline
Healthy groups expand and new connections don’t threaten existing ones. No one has to shrink to make room. Closeness isn’t treated like a limited resource.
What to do if this feels toxic
Notice whether the group operates from scarcity. Groups that can’t hold expansion often rely on unspoken hierarchies. That’s not something you fix by being more likable, flexible, or understanding. The work here isn’t trying harder, it’s deciding how much access this dynamic deserves.
The Most Important Shift
These self-checks aren’t about labeling people as “toxic.” They’re about answering one question honestly:
Is this group structured in a way where I can stay fully myself or only partially present? Once you know that, your next steps become clearer:
speak up calmly
adjust your investment
create space
or step back without a big explanation
The mistake is skipping this step and going straight into fixing yourself.
Why Scripts Come After the Self-Checks
Scripts aren’t for convincing people to treat you better. They’re for helping you respond from self-trust instead of anxiety. Once you’ve assessed the dynamic, scripts help you:
say less, not more
stay grounded instead of defensive
protect your place without pleading
disengage without burning bridges
You don’t need to force belonging, you need to stop abandoning yourself while you wait for it.
Going through something? Head to The Lounge and share away. You’ll stay anonymous and I'll get back to you with tailored scripts and tips. Others may also chime in with support. Prefer a 1:1? Members get 10% off with code: Member.
xo,
Dr. C