Before You Cut Someone Off, Ask Yourself These Questions
“Cut them off.”
“Protect your peace.”
“Go no contact.”
Those phrases get shared a lot online and sometimes they are appropriate. But they’ve also become the go-to advice for any relationship that feels uncomfortable, disappointing, or unresolved. I’m careful about how quickly we label people as toxic, controlling, or unsafe, especially from the outside, without understanding the full dynamic. Because in many situations, what’s happening isn’t abuse. It’s a power shift, a role change, or a relationship that hasn’t recalibrated yet. Before you cut someone off, whether that’s a family member or a friend, here are a few questions worth slowing down to ask.
1. Is this about safety or unspoken resentment?
This is the most important question.
If it’s about safety:
If there is emotional abuse, manipulation, threats, or repeated harm, especially after boundaries have been set, then distance or cutting off may be protective and necessary. You don’t owe access to anyone who continues to harm you.
If it’s about resentment:
Resentment often builds when needs haven’t been named, or when disappointment has been swallowed instead of expressed. In these cases, cutting someone off can bring short-term relief but not long-term peace. The unresolved feelings tend to resurface elsewhere. Resentment is usually a signal that something needs to be said, not that you need to disappear.
2. Have your needs been said clearly out loud?
Many people feel deeply hurt without ever clearly stating what they need. We hope the other person will:
pick up on cues
“just know”
change on their own
But most people don’t adjust behavior without information.
If your needs have been said clearly:
Then the next step is to observe, not react. Do they:
try to adjust, even imperfectly?
show effort over time?
ask questions or check in?
Effort matters more than instant change.
If your needs haven’t been said:
You may be expecting change without clearly saying what you need. But if you don’t say anything, how will they know things need to change?
Examples:
“I prefer direct communication instead of assumptions.”
“I do better when plans are confirmed, not left in the open.”
“I’d appreciate being looped in more.”
Saying it once, calmly, is often enough to learn a lot about the relationship.
3. Is this a pattern or a painful transition?
Not all discomfort means a relationship is unhealthy.
If it’s a pattern:
If the same behavior continues after it’s been addressed, that’s your data. At that point, boundaries may need to become firmer or distance more intentional.
If it’s a transition:
New seasons often destabilize relationships:
adulthood
marriage or partnerships
parenthood
career changes
shifting social circles
These moments can feel awkward, tense, or emotionally charged before roles settle. Staying in the conversation rather than exiting immediately allows relationships the chance to reset.
What “staying in the conversation” actually means
This part gets misunderstood. Staying in the conversation does not mean:
over-explaining
convincing someone to agree
endlessly giving chances
tolerating ongoing harm
It means:
saying what you need early and clearly
tolerating some discomfort without bolting
watching what happens next
You name the need, you pause, and you observe behavior, not promises. That’s how you make decisions from information and data instead of emotion.
Your final takeaway:
Cutting people off isn’t strength by default. Sometimes strength looks like speaking clearly, tolerating discomfort, and seeing what follows. Distance can be a healthy choice but so can repair. The key is choosing, not reacting in the heat of hurt. Just know that thoughtful decisions tend to age better than impulsive ones.
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xo,
Dr. C