5 Signs She Is Secretly Competing With You (and How to Handle It)
Competition can sometimes push people to do better but in friendships or family, it usually leaves you feeling drained instead of supported. If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why do I feel like that was a contest?” …you might be dealing with hidden competition.
When it’s a friend, the competition often hides behind “supportive” comments with an edge. That’s when you might realize you’re dealing with a frenemy, someone who looks like a friend on the surface but struggles to genuinely root for you.
& when it’s family, the competition is usually louder: comments at holidays, public comparisons between kids, or jokes at your expense. The hard part is, you can’t exactly cut off your sister-in-law or cousin the way you could a frenemy. That’s why your strategy matters.
Here’s how to spot it and what to say so you keep your power:
1. They Always One-Up You
You share something you’re proud of, and they immediately raise the stakes.
Phrases to use:
"Things are going well all around."
Tip: You don’t need to shrink your wins. Celebrate yourself without taking their bait.
2. They Turn Everything Into a Comparison
Instead of celebrating differences, they rank them.
Phrases to use:
“That’s not something I want to compare.”
“Every kid has their own strengths, I love that.”
“I love how we both bring something valuable.”
Tip: Refuse the comparison game. It keeps the focus on individuality instead of rivalry.
3. They Downplay Your Achievements
You share good news, and they immediately poke holes in it.
“Oh, everyone gets that award eventually.”
“Must be nice, you got lucky.”
Phrases to use:
“Did you mean that as a compliment?”
“That’s how you’re going to celebrate with me?”
Tip: Don’t argue or overexplain. Standing in your pride is more powerful than defending it.
4. They Mirror You but Try to Outdo You
They copy your ideas, outfits, or plans but make sure theirs looks “bigger” or “better.”
Phrases to use:
“Looks like we’re on the same wavelength.” (said with confidence, not sarcasm)
“Seems like we’re both onto something good.”
“Looks like we’ve been moving in the same direction, what made you go that route?
Tip: Don’t waste energy proving who did it first. People who imitate are often insecure. Your job is to stay authentic.
5. They Seem Happy… Only When They’re Ahead
Support feels conditional. They’re warm when they’re “winning,” but distant or cold when you’re doing well.
Phrases to use:
“I was hoping you’d be a little more supportive, is everything okay?”
Tip: Notice patterns. If you can’t share joy without it being a contest, protect your energy and lean into relationships that feel safe.
Here are Tips for Handling It Without Losing Your Cool
Don’t Overexplain
The moment you start defending, you’ve already lost ground. Keep it short and steady.Stay Out of the Contest
Respond with calm confidence instead of topping their story. If you don’t play, they can’t win.Protect Your Peace
Limit the topics you share with them if you know it always gets turned into a competition. Not everyone earns front-row access to your life.
How to Bring It Up Directly
Sometimes, you’ll want to move past quick comebacks and actually name the pattern. That’s especially true if this is someone you care about and want to keep close.
Here are a few ways to do that:
“I’d prefer for us to cheer each other on instead.”
“I want to share something I’m excited about, and what would mean the most to me is for you to sit with it before responding.”
If they brush it off with “I’m just joking” or “Don’t be sensitive,” you can hold steady:
“I know you may not mean it that way, but it still lands that way for me.”
Your Final Takeaway
You can’t stop someone from competing with you but you can stop playing the game. And if the competition feels constant, you may be dealing with a frenemy: someone who acts like a friend but can’t genuinely support you. You can’t control whether a friend or family member is competing with you. But you can control how you respond. The more you stay grounded, celebrate yourself, and calmly set boundaries, the less power their rivalry has over you.
Have a specific question or need some help? Book a 1:1 with me by heading to the book a session tab above or by heading to THE LOUNGE and asking away. Others can offer support and I’ll reply with tailored recommendations for you.
Xo,
Dr. C