How to Spot (and Handle) a Frenemy
Most people think of friendships as either good or bad. But there’s a tricky middle ground: the frenemy. They start off looking like a friend, supportive, fun, and loyal but over time their behavior reveals subtle ways of cutting you down.
The hardest part? Unlike a mean girl, who is openly unkind, frenemies keep you close. A frenemy mixes in just enough warmth to blur the line between friendship and rivalry. At its core, a frenemy dynamic is fueled by envy and competition. They want proximity to you, but also the power to cut you down, which is why their behavior feels so confusing.
Here are the signs plus some scripts and tips to protect your confidence.
1. They Stop Supporting You but Cheer for Others
When they consistently skip over your wins but publicly applaud everyone else’s. On social media, that might look like never liking or commenting on your posts while hyping up others in the same circle or maybe they do support your milestone but only if it boosts their image. Offline, it could be ignoring your promotion but gushing about someone’s else’s.
It’s not that they don’t see you. It’s that celebrating you feels like a threat, unless they can benefit from it.
What to do:
Don’t shrink yourself or chase their approval. Keep sharing your wins confidently.
Notice the pattern instead of excusing it.
Redirect the energy. Surround yourself with friends who clap when you win.
Script:
I was hoping you’d be a little more supportive, is something going on?
2. Their Friendship is Conditional
Frenemies show up when you’re useful, cheering you on, borrowing your connections, or leaning on your energy. But the moment they don’t get what they want (you set a boundary, decline a favor, or stop being useful), their support disappears.
What to do:
Test the friendship. Say “no” to something small and watch their reaction. See if the connection survives without you giving.
Notice the setting. If they only want you around for group hangs or fun events, they’re not investing in you, they’re investing in the access.
Step back if it feels transactional or one-sided. Mutual friendships survive boundaries and quieter moments, conditional ones collapse.
Scripts:
I can’t do that, but I’d still love to get together.
I’d love to just hang the two of us sometime, why don’t you plan for us to do something?
3. They Undercut You with “Jokes” or Backhanded Comments
Instead of addressing their jealousy directly, frenemies use sarcasm, humor, or subtle digs. On the surface, it looks playful but over time, these “jokes” chip away at your confidence and make you second guess yourself.
Frenemy context: These comments usually happen 1:1, where the frenemy is close enough to you to make it sting. The confusion comes from the mix of support and subtle digs, it feels personal because it’s coming from someone positioned as a friend.
Mean girl context: When a mean girl uses sarcasm or digs, it’s often public and about performing for the group. Her goal is to humiliate or establish status, not confuse you.
Red flags to watch for:
-They joke about your achievements or appearance, then brush it off with “I was just kidding.”
-Compliments come with qualifiers: “Your hair actually looks nice like that.”
What to Do:
Call out the behavior in real time. Don’t laugh along if it stings.
Reframe the moment. Make it clear you’re not the punchline.
Scripts:
That didn’t land as a joke, what did you mean by it?
I know you didn’t mean it badly, but that comment felt off.
I don’t see it that way.
Reflection scripts to tell yourself:
-Their digs say more about them.
-Jokes aren’t harmless if they chip away at my confidence.
-I don’t need to argue, my boundary is enough.
The Respect Test
-The next time they make a joke, calmly call it out (i.e., that didn’t land as a joke, what did you mean?).
-Watch their reaction. Do they apologize and adjust, or double down?
-If the digs continue, you’re not dealing with harmless humor, you’re dealing with disrespect.
Your next step:
Notice one joke or backhanded comment this week. Try one external script and track their response. Did they dismiss you or did they adjust? That reaction tells you whether this friendship is safe to invest in.
4. They Include You Just Enough to Exclude You Later
Frenemies weaponize belonging. They’ll invite you sometimes, but leave you out of other key moments. The inconsistency keeps you off-balance and that’s the point.
Frenemy context: Frenemies rarely want to spend 1:1 time together unless it benefits them or makes them look good. They’ll happily show up for group hangs, parties, or events you plan, but when it comes to quieter 1:1 connection, they pull back. This keeps the friendship surface-level and on their terms, leaving you feeling like you’re only valuable when you’re useful, entertaining, or boosting their image.
Mean girl context: The setting determines the behavior (she’s chatty with you at school drop off but in the group chat she always ignores your messages). She may be civil or even warm 1:1, but once the group is around, she shifts into exclusion, gossip, or public digs. The power play is bigger and social, she needs others to witness or join in, her goal isn’t mixed friendship signals, it's status, dominance, and making sure everyone else sees you don’t belong.
Red flags to watch out for:
-You’re invited to group hangs, but rarely asked to do something 1:1.
-They only join when it’s fun, public, or makes them look good.
-You find out about plans after the fact, more than once.
-When you stop initiating, the connection goes quiet.
What to Do:
Step back and observe. True friends don’t keep score with invitations.
Build other connections. Invest in people who don’t make you guess your worth.
Scripts:
For frenemies (test reciprocity):
-Want to grab lunch next week or the following, just the two of us?
For mean girls (group based exclusion):
I saw you all got together, that looked fun, I’d love to join next time.
If they never follow through or keep leaving you out, that’s your data.
Reflection scripts to tell yourself:
-This isn’t about my worth, it’s about their patterns.
-I don’t need to prove I belong. Their consistency (or lack of it) tells me everything.
The Reciprocity Test:
-Invite them to something 1:1.
-Notice if they say yes and if they ever initiate.
-Track the pattern. Do they only show up when it benefits them or when it’s in a group?
-Use the data to decide if you want to keep investing.
Your next step:
Pick one friendship that feels a little off and run the reciprocity test this month. Write down what they do (not what they say). That’s your information.
Your final takeaway:
If you leave every interaction second-guessing yourself, you may be dealign with a frenemy. You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who benefits from cutting you down. Instead, step back, protect your energy, and invest in the relationships that truly support you.
Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, others can chime in and I’ll offer tailored suggestions.
Xo,
Dr. C