3 Reasons Why Adult Friendships Can Feel Transactional
If you’ve ever wondered, “Does my friend actually care, or are they just using me?” you’re not imagining it. As adults, friendships can sometimes feel more like exchanges than genuine connection. Here’s why that happens, and what you can do about it.
1. Time and Energy Are Scarce
Most adults are stretched thin between careers, family, and responsibilities. With limited free time, friendships often get filtered through a “what do I get out of this?” lens, whether that’s emotional support, networking, or simply companionship when convenient.
Reflection Prompt:
Do your hangouts feel balanced, or do they mostly fit into their availability?
Are you both making effort, or are you doing all the rescheduling and planning?
Tip to Try: Protect your bandwidth. Notice who energizes you vs. drains you and adjust your effort accordingly.
2. Friendship Becomes a Source of Utility
Adult friendships often serve practical purposes, someone to share resources, cover childcare in a pinch, or connect you to opportunities. While that can be helpful, if the relationship is only about utility, it can start to feel like a transaction.
Reflection Prompt:
Do conversations mostly revolve around favors, resources, or “asks”?
Do they celebrate you when there’s nothing in it for them?
Scripts to Use:
“I can’t help with that this time, but I’d love to still see you soon, when you’re free!
“I miss you/it’s been a while since we’ve hung out, let’s do something just us this week or next?”
3. Emotional Labor and Reciprocity
Unlike childhood friendships built on fun, adult friendships require intentional effort. Checking in, remembering milestones, making plans, it’s work. If one person is always the planner, the comforter, or the one keeping the friendship alive, it can feel like you’re keeping score.
Reflection Prompt:
After you hang out, do you feel supported or drained?
If you stopped reaching out, would the friendship continue?
Scripts to Use:
“I miss you! Let’s do something soon? Why don't you plan what we do this time!”
“I miss us catching up, when’s a good time for us to catch up, just us two?"
Not all adult friendships are transactional but without conscious effort, they can slide into that mode. The antidote is intentional reciprocity, giving and receiving support, time, and care in ways that feel mutual.
Your Next Steps
Run the Reciprocity Test: Pick one friendship that feels off and stop initiating for 2-3 weeks and see if they reach out. Be mindful that this can stir up sadness so make sure to have buffers (i.e., a licensed therapist you can reach out to or other friends/family to spend time with) in place. You can download the Friendship Audit Guide already downloaded in your library to help you with this process.
Audit Your Circle: Who leaves you drained, and who leaves you feeling seen? You can download the Friendship Audit Guide to also help you with this process.
Shift Your Energy: Invest more in friendships that feel mutual and aligned. Step back where you feel like a utility, not a friend.
Your final takeaway:
The goal isn’t perfect balance every moment, as ebbs and flows do exist in friendships. It’s about noticing when the “ledger” of giving and receiving is consistently one-sided and deciding whether that’s a friendship you still want to feed.
Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away!
Best,
Dr. C