Why Can’t They Just Ask About Me? How to Start Building Reciprocal Friendships.
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking: “Why do I have to work so hard for reciprocity? Why can’t they just ask about me?” It’s not just you. This is one of the biggest tensions empaths and fringe friends experience. On one hand, you long for friendships where curiosity and care flow naturally. On the other, many relationships fall into patterned roles where one person does the asking, and the other does the sharing unless someone actively shifts the dynamic.
It’s a painful truth: wanting mutuality to “just happen” is valid, but often unrealistic unless you intentionally change how you show up.
Your Wish is Valid
Wanting someone to notice you without prompting isn’t a flaw. It’s about wanting to feel chosen without auditioning, a core human need for belonging and safety.
Example: You sit through a long coffee date listening to your friend’s updates. You leave wishing they had asked, “And how are you doing?” That longing isn’t too much. It’s deeply human.
But Waiting Reinforces Invisibility
Here’s the trap: when you stay silent, hoping they’ll notice, you actually train the friendship to overlook you. silence reinforces the very pattern you dislike and each time you don’t speak up, you teach: “My needs don’t need to be on the table.”
Example: You keep waiting for them to check in or initiate. Weeks pass, the imbalance deepens, and the resentment grows.
Assertiveness is the Bridge
Here’s your reframe: asserting yourself isn’t begging for attention, it’s an experiment.
When you speak up, two things happen:
You give the friendship a chance to respond differently.
You collect real data: Do they lean in, or do they stay distant?
That answer is information on what they’re capable of and not a reflection of your worth.
Scripts You Can Try
Instead of waiting for them to just ask, you can gently re-train the dynamic by modeling reciprocity. Think of it as planting a flag: “My world matters too.”
Here are some phrases you can use depending on the situation:
In Conversation:
“I’d love to share something about my week too, can I tell you?”
“That reminds me of something I’ve been working through, can I share?”
“Thanks for asking about that, I actually wanted to fill you in on what’s been going on for me too.”
By Text:
“I’ve been meaning to tell you something exciting that happened today!”
“I want to share my side of the week too, have a second?”
At Gatherings/Work Settings:
“Let me jump in for a sec? I’ve got something to add here.”
“Pause for a second, I’d love to share what’s been happening on my end.”
Notice: each script is short, clear, and confident. You’re not overexplaining. You’re inviting them to step into reciprocity.
Try the ASK-SHARE-OBSERVE Strategy:
ASK yourself: Am I silently waiting for them to notice me?
SHARE one clear update or story without overexplaining.
OBSERVE: Do they show curiosity, follow up, or pivot back to themselves?
If they lean in then celebrate the shift and keep practicing.
If they don’t then you’ve collected evidence about the friendship’s limits.
This helps shift you from passive waiting to active testing and instead of rehearsing old thoughts like “Why don’t they just ask?” you can step into reality and discover the answer for yourself.
Your Takeaway:
There are three truths to hold:
Your longing to be asked about is real and valid.
Waiting in silence keeps you invisible.
Assertiveness is your bridge to determining if the friendship is capable of what you want and need.
So try practicing this:
Think of one friend where you often wait for them to ask.
This week, use one of the scripts above to share something about yourself.
Afterwards, ask yourself: Did they lean in, or did they stay distant?
What does their response tell you about the friendship’s capacity for mutuality?
Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, you’re anonymous and I’ll get back to you with tailored scripts and tips.
Xo,
Dr. C