How to Tolerate Discomfort and Awkwardness in Friendships
If you’ve ever tried to ask more from a friend, speak up in a group, or share something personal after years of staying quiet, you know this truth: it feels uncomfortable. Your heart races, your mind second-guesses: “Am I being too much? Will this push them away? What if they don’t respond the way I hope?”
This discomfort isn’t proof that you’re doing something wrong. It’s actually the gateway to new friendship dynamics. Tolerating discomfort is how you break old patterns and form healthier ones.
Why Discomfort Shows Up
When you’ve spent years over-giving, avoiding conflict, or keeping your needs invisible, your brain has been trained to believe: “Speaking up is unsafe.”
Example: You finally tell your friend, “I’d love to share my side too,” and your body floods with anxiety. That’s not danger, it’s a core belief being challenged and your nervous system reacting to a new behavior. Your brain is trying to protect you with outdated rules: “Stay invisible, stay safe.”
Why Avoiding It Keeps You Stuck
If you give into the discomfort and retreat back into silence, you reinforce the old cycle: support staff, fringe friend, invisible needs.
Example: You almost suggest a restaurant for dinner, but stop yourself, “What if they don’t want that?” You stay quiet, they pick, and the pattern repeats. This avoidance teaches your brain: “See? Speaking up really is dangerous.” And the cycle locks in deeper.
Here’s How to Lean Into It Safely
Discomfort isn’t something you bulldoze through. It’s something you practice tolerating in small doses, like strengthening a muscle.
Here’s how to practice:
In a text chat: “How was your week? Mine’s been a little hectic, can I vent for a second?”
In a group, when making plans about where to go for girl’s dinner: “Let’s try sushi this week?"
With a close friend: “Can I share something I’m excited about too?”
Each time you do it, notice: your body feels anxious, but the world doesn’t collapse. That’s your nervous system learning a new truth.
Reframe the Discomfort
Instead of seeing discomfort as danger, reframe it as evidence of growth.
Example: That pit in your stomach after you assert yourself? That’s not rejection. That’s your brain rewiring. We call this distress tolerance: sitting with the unease long enough for the new pattern to take root.
Your takeaway:
Discomfort isn’t the enemy, it’s the bridge. At first, it feels risky. But tolerating that unease is how new friendship dynamics form.
Avoidance = old patterns stay locked.
Discomfort = new patterns get built.
Each time you let yourself feel the discomfort of asking, sharing, or asserting, you’re training your friendships and your brain to hold you as a full participant, not just support staff.
Here are some Reflection Prompts to try for more practice:
Think of one friendship where you usually silence yourself.
What’s one small ask, gesture, or share you can try this week?
How did it feel in your body when you did?
What data did you gather about the friendship when you tolerated the discomfort?
So try it out and let us know how it’s going in The Lounge, you can also vent about other things there or ask me a specific question anonymously and I’ll get back to you with tailored suggestions.
Xo,
Dr. C