The real reason you might be struggling to connect and what to say & do instead.
Let’s be honest:
Most of us were never taught how to connect. We were told to “just be yourself” but also “make a good impression.” We overthink what to say, replay awkward moments, and leave wondering, “Why do I always feel like the outsider?” The secret to being more likable and creating deeper connections is not what you think. Real connection happens when people feel emotionally safe around you, like they can exhale. That starts with how you show up.
Here’s what changes everything:
• Ask with curiosity, not pressure
• Respond with warmth, not judgment
• Share with intention, not oversharing
If You Struggle With Connection or Feel Lonely, Here’s Why:
You were never shown what healthy connection looks like.
Maybe you grew up in a home where emotions weren’t acknowledged or you were told not to “make things awkward.” Emotional presence wasn’t taught.
You’re afraid people won’t like the real you.
So you either say nothing (and come off distant) or say too much too soon (and leave feeling exposed).
You confuse openness with emotional dumping.
True connection doesn’t mean spilling everything. It means being present enough to notice someone else’s world, not just narrate your own.
Try These Phrases Instead & Screenshot these to use in your next conversation:
To show you care:
• “What was that like for you?”
• “How did that affect you?”
• “That sounds like a big deal, tell me more”
• “What did that mean for you?”
To make someone feel safe around you:
• “I’m really glad you shared that with me.”
• “That makes so much sense why you’d feel that way.”
• “I can see how much that matters to you.”
• “Thanks for trusting me with that.”
To build connection over time:
• “I was thinking about something you said last time…”
• “Did you ever end up deciding on that?”
• “You’re really good at __. It shows every time we talk.”
To deepen the conversation without getting too deep:
• “I’m curious what you think about this X, no pressure.”
• “That reminded me of something in my life too. Ever feel like __?”
• “Can I ask something kind of random but connected to that?”
And if you want people to be drawn to you? Start showing up differently.
1. Ditch the “Hover’ energy.
Walk into a space like you’re meant to be there, not waiting to be invited in. Slow, intentional steps. Head up. Don’t scan the room for where to stand, walk like you’ve already spotted someone happy to see you.
2. Anchor yourself physically.
Instead of fidgeting with your phone or drink, ground yourself: plant both feet, drop your shoulders, and keep your arms open (not crossed or clutched). This signals calm confidence and approachability.
3. Show curiosity with your posture.
Angle your body slightly toward the person you’re talking to. Nod 3 lightly when they speak. These small gestures say “I’m present” without needing words.
4. Take up space subtly.
Place your belongings on the table instead of your lap. Gesture naturally when you talk. People trust those who don’t shrink themselves.
And if you want to make people feel drawn to you (without performing)
1. Pause before speaking, it makes people lean in.
You don’t have to fill every silence. A 1-second pause before answering a question makes you seem thoughtful and grounded.
2. Match their vibe, then slightly lift it.
If they’re calm, you stay calm but add a touch of warmth or humor. If they’re enthusiastic, meet it but with ease, not performative energy. This creates harmony.
3. Give “identity-based” compliments.
Instead of “You look great,” say:
“You’re always so thoughtful, it shows in the way you planned that.”
People are drawn to those who make them feel seen beyond the surface.
4. Ask questions most people don’t ask.
Skip the “What do you do?” and try:
“What’s something you’ve been excited about lately?”
“What’s something you wish more people asked you?”
5. Practice “calm confidence.”
People are magnetized by others who feel solid in their energy not rushing to prove or perform. Take your time. Breathe. Your calm presence gives others permission to do the same.
Have a specific question on friendships? Head to the community forum and ask away!
Xo,
Dr. C