3 things to do when the group believes her instead of you
One of the hardest parts about friendship is when the person that you used to spend time with, laugh with, trusted with your own secrets, suddenly seems to believe someone else’s version of events instead of yours. Or she doesn’t even ask you for your side and just slowly starts pulling away. Then you’re left thinking, how did they all turn on me so fast? Was the friendship ever real or was it just fake? Or why didn’t anyone ask me what happened?
Here’s what’s important to understand: Groups don’t always believe the person who’s right. They tend to believe the one that feels easiest to align themselves with, the one that holds the most social influence, the one who makes people afraid of becoming the next target, or the one who controls access to the group.
Unfortunately, groups are often driven by emotional safety and social positioning rather than fairness. Also:
The one who speaks first often shapes the narrative.
Especially if they say:
-I’m just worried about her.
-She’s been acting differently lately.
-I feel like she took things the wrong way.
-I didn’t want to say anything but.
They didn’t even have to outright say anything mean. But now instead of saying “oh maybe she’s hurt,” it’s now, “see? This is exactly what she does, create drama.” You’ll also notice that everyone in the group stays quiet because they’re all protecting their spot in the group even if not everyone fully agrees with what’s happening. That’s why no one is defending you. And what you’ll see is that adults will prioritize the group instead of individual fairness. They also don’t want to have to admit that you’ve been treated unfairly because then they’d have to also admit the part they played in it.
So what should you do? Here are 3 things that can
Stop trying to win over the entire group.
Only pay attention to who is seeking you out. The healthiest people usually become curious before they choose their sides. They ask questions and they’re checking in on you.
Focus less on convincing everyone of the truth and more on recalibrating. Ask yourself, who is consistently showing up with fairness, curiosity, and emotional maturity?
Your final takeaway:
It’s hard to realize that not everyone is going to choose or take the side of the honest narrative. And while it can feel really personal, it’s important to realize that this might be because the group may have never had your best interest at heart.
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xo,
Dr. C