Did you make up your friendship in your head? What to do when you thought you were closer than they did.
Ever had that moment of realizing, “Wait, I thought we were closer than this.”
One of the loneliest feelings is realizing you thought you were closer to someone than they did with you.
Maybe they acted like your closest friend for a few months to then treat you like an acquaintance a few months later. Maybe they called you “bestie” in the moment but then never followed up. Maybe they seemed deeply invested when others were around but went quiet when it came to actual one on one connection. Or maybe they’re friendly one on one with you but around other people they’re friendly with everyone except for you. This doesn’t always mean they lied or played you. More often, it’s a mismatch of closeness, expectations, or investment. Here’s how to sort through it without spiraling and how to address it if you want repair your friendship instead of gently pulling back.
If you’ve ever wondered, "why are they close with everyone else but not me?" Or "why did they act warm and then pull back?" It helps to step back and reframe what might actually be going on so you can decide what to do.
Mindset shifts
-For starters, closeness means different things to different people. For you, closeness may mean consistency, vulnerability, and reciprocity. For them, it may mean fun when it’s convenient. One isn’t “wrong,” but it creates mismatched expectations. Sometimes, though, it’s not just different definitions, it’s different investment. They may show up deeply for some people, but keep others at arms length. Or they may have been warm with you once, then pulled back because their priorities shifted. That inconsistency isn’t proof that you imagined the friendship, it’s proof that their effort wasn’t steady.
-Not all warmth means depth. Some people act warm and engaged in the moment, but that doesn’t always translate to prioritizing you outside of that space. It’s performative closeness, not malicious but it can leave you hurt if you took it as deeper.
-Mismatch ≠ rejection. It’s tempting to make it about being “not good enough.” But often, it’s about timing, priorities, or different definitions of friendship, not your worth.
Once you shift your perspective, the next step is to check the reality of the friendship.
Here are reflective questions to ask yourself:
Do their actions (initiating, following through, showing up) match the level of closeness I thought we had?
When I pull back slightly, do they lean in or disappear?
Am I investing based on who they are now, or based on who they were before (or who I imagined they could be)?
If the friendship stayed exactly as it is today, would I feel fulfilled or disappointed?
What do I actually want more closeness with them, or just acknowledgment of the mismatch so I can adjust?
After reflecting, if you’ve realized you want to see if the friendship can be repaired, here are ways to bring it up without drama or defensiveness.
Scripts for Repair or Gentle Confrontation
1. Naming the drift: “I’ve noticed we don’t connect the way we used to, I miss that.”
2. Checking assumptions: “I know everyone sees friendship differently, how do you see ours and do you think anything has changed in ours?”
3. Asking for what you want: “I miss us hanging out, just us. Want to grab coffee or go for a walk this or next week?”
4. Keeping it light (non-accusatory): “I know life has been so busy, but I’ve missed catching up with you! Want to put something on the calendar?”
But not every situation calls for a conversation. Sometimes the best way forward is simply adjusting your own effort without making an announcement. And here’s how to do that:
Non-confrontational scripts:
If they say “let’s hang out soon” but don’t follow through:
“I’d love that, text me when you’re free.” (Then let the ball stay with them.)If you’re always the one reaching out:
Pull back and wait. If silence follows, that’s data about their level of investment.If you feel drained after interactions:
Limit the frequency. Protect your energy by matching their effort rather than over-extending.
Your takeaway:
Realizing you thought you were closer than someone else did is painful but it does give you data. You can then either adjust your expectations and enjoy the friendship for what it is, not what you hoped it would be or speak up and see if repair is possible. Neither choice is dramatic, both are acts of self-respect for yourself.
Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, others can chime in and I’ll get back to you with tailored suggestions. And now it’s time to turn it back on you, have you ever been in this situation? Drop your experience or what script you’d try in the comments below or in The Lounge it might help someone else who’s reading this feel less alone.
Xo,
Dr. C