How do you know if a friendship is real or if it's fake

Not all friendships are real, some are performances. The hardest part? In the moment, they can look exactly the same. 

And few things sting more than realizing you thought you were closer to someone than you actually were. Maybe they called you their “bestie” at a party but didn’t answer your texts the next week. Maybe they acted deeply invested in your life in the moment, but never followed up. That gap between words and actions leaves you questioning what was real.

And sometimes it goes even deeper, they: 

-Seem invested until they get what they want, access to someone, a social circle, or an opportunity. Once that’s gone, so is their energy.

-They’re warm and affectionate in public but distant or unavailable one on one or vice versa. 

-They act like you’re important when it’s convenient, but don’t prioritize you when it requires effort.

And that’s why it hurts so much because it leaves you wondering if the connection was ever real or if you were simply filling a role they needed in that moment. Their performance naturally tricks your brain into interpreting the relationship as closer than it really is. Because in healthy friendships, warmth and consistency usually go together so you expected follow through. It wasn’t fake on your end but it was performative on their end. It hurts and feels so confusing because: 

-They gave signals of depth without backing it up.

-You responded like anyone would, by trusting those signals but their behavior afterward never aligned. 

Here’s what we often miss though about friendships, closeness is measured by consistency not by intensity. Someone can laugh with you, hug you, or call you “bestie” in the moment, but if they don’t follow up, initiate, or make space for you in their real life, it isn’t true closeness, it’s performance.

Real friendship is steady. Their words and actions line up.

Performative closeness feels confusing. Big energy in the moment, distance afterward.

To stop this from happening again it takes awareness and insight. 

If you’re unsure whether what you’re experiencing is real closeness or performance, pause and ask yourself these reflective questions before deciding what to do: 

-Do their words and actions match, or is there a gap?

-If I stopped initiating, would the friendship continue?

-Do I feel steady and safe with them, or anxious and unsure?

-Am I holding onto who they were at the beginning, instead of who they are now?

You can’t control how someone else defines closeness. But you can control how quickly you give trust and how much you invest upfront.

Here are some guardrails to protect yourself: 

-Match energy, don’t over-give. Notice if they initiate or reciprocate before deepening the friendship.

-Pay attention to patterns, not moments. Anyone can act close in one conversation. What matters is what they do over weeks and months.

-Use gut checks after interactions. Do you leave feeling lighter, heavier, or neutral? That’s your compass.

This isn’t about being “too sensitive,” “too needy,” or “making it up.” It’s about noticing when someone is performing closeness instead of living it and choosing not to get pulled in.

Your takeaway:

These steps won’t erase disappointment altogether, but they will help you spot mismatched investment earlier before you’ve poured too much into the relationship. The right friendships don’t leave you guessing. When you stop over-giving to the wrong ones, you create space for steady, mutual connections, the kind that last. 

Have a specific question head to The Lounge and ask away, others can chime in and I’ll reply with tailored suggestions. 

Xo,

Dr. C