4 Signs Your Friend Is Really a Frenemy And Why That Hurts More Than a Mean Girl

We all know what a mean girl looks like. She excludes you from the group chat, rolls her eyes in public, or openly mocks you to gain status. As painful as it is, at least you know where you stand. But frenemies? They’re harder to spot and often hurt more. Why? Because they look like friends. They’ll cheer you on one day and undercut you the next, leaving you questioning whether you’re being too sensitive. That emotional whiplash is what makes them so confusing and so damaging. Here are four subtle signs your “friend” might actually be a frenemy plus what you can do to repair the dynamic before deciding if it’s worth keeping.

1. The Selective Cheerleader

They only clap when it benefits them. Maybe they hype you up on social media because it reflects well on them but when it’s just you succeeding, they go quiet. It’s so confusing because sometimes they do celebrate you, which makes you second-guess all the times they don’t.

What to do: Try this instead of calling it out directly: “I’m making an effort to really acknowledge the positives, I’d love for us to celebrate a big win I just had!”

What to notice: A true friend leans in when you invite them. A frenemy will stay flat or change the subject.

2. The Silent Fan

Frenemies often vanish when you succeed no congratulations, no check-ins, no support. It’s so confusing because friends are supposed to cheer in your highs. Their silence feels like absence, but you’re left wondering if you imagined it.

What to do: Try saying: Try saying, “Hey! Did you see what I just posted? Had to share it with you!”

What to notice: If they still stay flat after you give them a clear opening, that silence is your answer.

3. The Backhanded Bestie

They stay close enough to benefit, the invites, the access, while keeping you in your “place.” Compliments come with an edge: You’re so brave for wearing that. It’s so confusing because you get closeness and criticism from the same person. Which version is the real one?

Try this: Gently set a boundary: “That sounded like a compliment, but it didn’t land that way.”

What to notice: Real friends adjust. Frenemies get defensive or double down.

4. The Struggle-Season Friend

They feel closer when you’re struggling, even superior. But when you start thriving, the dynamic flips, they pull back, withdraw, or downplay your wins. It’s so confusing because their strongest support shows up in your lows, which makes you question why they fade in your highs.

What to do: Name the pattern without blame “You’re always such a big support when things are hard, which I value so much. I’d love for us to celebrate this good moment together too.”

What to notice: True friends rise with you. Frenemies only lean in when you’re down.

Why Frenemies Hurt More Than Mean Girls

Frenemies don’t cut you off. They give you just enough warmth to keep you close, while quietly undermining you. That mix of care and competition is called intermittent support, the same on-again/off-again reinforcement pattern that keeps people hooked in toxic dynamics. It’s why frenemies are harder to spot than mean girls: the love-and-shade combo keeps you doubting yourself instead of them.

Your Takeaway:

A real friend is steady in your highs and your lows. A frenemy runs hot and cold. By giving them one clear chance to shift, with words and actions, you’ll know if it’s worth repairing, or if it’s time to step back. Because a true friend won’t keep you guessing.

Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, others can chime in & I’ll get back to you with tailored suggestions!

xo,
Dr. C