4 Things You’re Doing That Are Making You Less Likable (and How to Fix Them)
Most people think being likable is about always agreeing, smiling, and giving compliments. The thing is some of the habits we think make us approachable can actually make others trust us less, see us as surface-level, or feel less connected to us. If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling like you were “polite” but not truly memorable, these might be the hidden reasons why.
1. Mirroring Opinions Too Much
Why it backfires: Constantly agreeing or changing your stance to match someone else can make it seem like you have no real opinion, which leaves the connection feeling shallow. People form stronger bonds when they know who you really are, including your tastes, preferences, and perspectives.
What to do instead: Respectfully share your real thoughts and preferences. Likable people can disagree without creating tension.
Phrases to try:
“That’s interesting, for me, I’ve had a different experience.”
“I can see why you’d like that, but I’m more of a [X] person.”
“I have to admit, I’m in the minority here, but I prefer…”
Practice exercise: At your next social interaction, catch yourself once when you’re about to default to agreement. Instead, add a small, genuine detail that reflects your perspective.
2. Over-Complimenting
Why it backfires: Too many compliments in a short span can feel performative or manipulative, especially if they’re vague or generic. This can make others wonder if your words are sincere or just filler.
What to do instead: Give fewer, more specific compliments that connect to a person’s actions, character, or impact.
Examples:
Instead of “You’re so great,” try “I appreciate how you always make people feel welcome.”
Instead of “You’re amazing,” try “I admire how consistent you are with following through on what you say.”
Practice exercise: Over the next week, give just one compliment per interaction but make it highly specific and tied to something the person has done or the way they made you feel.
3. Complimenting Only on Appearance
Why it backfires: Focusing solely on someone’s looks, especially in repeated interactions can feel shallow and suggest you haven’t noticed anything deeper about them.
What to do instead: Mix in compliments on their actions, choices, or personality traits.
Examples:
“I love how you make everyone feel included in a conversation.”
“You have such a calming energy.”
“The way you handled that situation was so thoughtful.”
Practice exercise: For one week, make it your goal to give zero appearance-based compliments. Instead, notice and name something non-appearance related in every interaction.
4. Smiling or Nodding Through Discomfort
Why it backfires: People can sense when your body language doesn’t match your feelings. Smiling or nodding through something you disagree with or find uncomfortable can come across as disingenuous and it prevents real trust from forming.
What to do instead: Use honest but kind cues to signal that you have a different take, while keeping the tone warm and open.
Phrases to try:
“I’m not sure I agree, but I hear what you’re saying.”
“That’s one perspective, I’ve experienced it differently.”
“Hmm, I see where you’re coming from.” (pause, then add your thought).
Practice exercise: In your next interaction, if something doesn’t sit right, replace the automatic smile and nod with a thoughtful pause and one of the phrases above.
Your Final Takeaway:
Likability isn’t about pleasing everyone or agreeing with everything, it’s about showing up as someone who is genuine, specific, and engaged. When people know they can trust your words and that you see more than just the surface, they feel more connected to you.
Have a specific situation you’re navigating or have a question, ask away in the forum, where I answer all questions with tailored support and others can chime in with support, feedback, or tips.
xo,
Dr. C