3 Things to Do If You’re Tired of Being the Backup Fringe Friend
If you’ve ever felt like you’re technically part of a group but not truly prioritized, the “backup” friend who gets the last-minute invite or the “we should hang out soon” text that never turns into plans, you’re not imagining it.
It’s not always about being disliked. More often, it’s a subtle pattern where you unintentionally fade into the background. The good news? Small, intentional changes in how you show up before, during, and after a hangout can shift how others see and include you. Here’s what to do:
Before Hanging Out: Come Prepared with 2 “Ready-to-Share” Stories
If you walk into a social gathering without anything in mind to share, it’s easy to slip into listener-only mode. While listening is valuable, staying in that role for the whole hangout can make you less memorable.
Your goal: Arrive with two light, personal stories ready to share, something positive, funny, or interesting.
Examples:
A small personal win (“I finally finished that book I’ve been dragging out for months.”)
A funny mishap (“I spilled coffee all over my laptop… thankfully it survived.”)
A recommendation (“I just tried a new sushi place, have you been?”)
Why it works: When you contribute from the start, you set the tone that you’re an active participant, not just company. People remember the interactions where they learned something new about you or laughed with you.
Practice exercise:
Before your next hangout, jot down two short bullet points in your phone’s Notes app.
Make them conversational, not rehearsed. Think of them as conversation “seeds” you can plant if the opportunity arises.
Include one personal element and one shared-interest element (so others can relate).
During Hangouts: Turn Your Story Into a Bridge for Connection
Most people make the mistake of either only sharing (risking being seen as self-focused) or only listening (risking being forgettable). Connection happens in the middle through reciprocity.
Here’s how: After you share something, immediately invite the other person in with a “bridge” question:
“Has that ever happened to you?”
“What’s your version of that?”
“How would you have handled it?”
Why it works: This shifts the exchange from a “one-way broadcast” to a mutual conversation. People leave feeling like you valued their input, which increases the likelihood they’ll want you there next time.
Extra tips for during hangouts:
Use callbacks: If someone shared something earlier, reference it later. “I’m still thinking about the restaurant you mentioned, I need to make a reservation."
Be the bridge: If the group splits into smaller conversations, pull a thread from one into the other. “Speaking of travel, didn’t you just get back from Spain, Alex?”
Anchor physically: Choose a seat that allows you to make eye contact with multiple people, this subtly increases your inclusion in group moments.
Practice exercise:
During your next hangout, aim for a “share + invite” rhythm at least twice.
When someone else shares, ask a follow-up question that shows you were listening.
Notice the difference in how engaged people become when you invite them in.
Within 48 Hours After Hanging Out: Send a Follow-Up Text
What happens between hangouts is just as important as the hangout itself. If you disappear until the next time someone reaches out, you risk being unconsciously shifted to “periphery” or fringe status.
Your goal: Send a short, thoughtful follow-up within two days that ties back to something they said.
Examples:
“Still laughing about that story you told.”
“You inspired me, I just signed up for that class you mentioned.”
“I started that podcast you recommended, you were right, I’m hooked.”
Why it works: Consistent, small touchpoints create continuity. They signal, “I value our interaction, and it stuck with me,” which keeps you top of mind for future plans.
Practice exercise:
At the end of the hangout, mentally note one thing someone said that stood out to you.
Set a phone reminder for 24–48 hours later to send a quick text about it.
Keep it casual and light, this is about connection, not a long conversation.
Your Final Takeaway:
Shifting from “backup” to “chosen” isn’t about forcing your way into the inner circle. It’s about showing up in ways that make people remember, value, and feel connected to you. These before, during, and after strategies are small but powerful and they’re most effective when you make them a regular habit.
Have a specific situation you’re navigating or have a question, ask away in the forum, where I answer all questions with tailored support and others can chime in with support, feedback, or tips.
Xo,
Dr. C