How to Connect Over Shared Experiences Without Hijacking the Story
When someone tells you a story you relate to, it’s natural to want to jump in with your own. You might think you’re building connection, and sometimes you are but if it’s done too soon or too often, it can leave the other person feeling unheard. This happens a lot in friendships, family conversations, and even at work. It’s especially common for people with ADHD or high empathy, because the brain is busy making quick connections and wants to show “I get it!” right away. The good news? You can share your own experience and keep the other person feeling like the center of their story, here’s how:
Tip 1: Give Their Story Space First
Before you share your own story, make sure theirs has room to breathe. People often aren’t done when they take a pause, they’re just gathering their thoughts.
How to do it:
Count to three in your head after they finish talking.
Ask one follow-up question before sharing your own experience.
This signals you value their experience before adding yours.
Tip 2: Frame Your Story as a Bridge, Not a Spotlight
When you do share, make it clear you’re adding to their point, not replacing it. Think of your story as supporting evidence for what they said.
How to do it:
Start by summarizing their story in one sentence.
Use language that keeps the focus on them.
Script:
“Hearing you talk about X reminds me of Y, and it makes me appreciate Z.”
“Your story about X really Y. I had a similar challenge (struggle, experience), and it made me realize how resourceful (Z) you have to be.”
This makes your contribution feel like a connection point, not a competition.
Tip 3: Keep It Short, Then Return the Focus
If your response takes longer than 20–30 seconds, you risk shifting the spotlight. The goal is to show you relate, not to create a second main story.
How to do it:
Share the headline version of your story, not the full novel.
End by looping it back to them.
Script:
“I had something similar happen last year….. Has/Did this experience Y?”
“That reminds me of X. But yours sounds way Z, what ended up happening?”
This keeps the conversation balanced and the other person feeling valued.
Common Pitfalls & How to Avoid Them
Jumping in too soon
Pitfall: You start telling your story before they’ve finished theirs.
Fix: Wait for a natural pause and add one follow-up question before you share.
Making your version bigger or more dramatic
Pitfall: Your story unintentionally overshadows theirs (“Oh, that’s nothing — when it happened to me…”).
Fix: Match the tone and scale of their story. Keep it parallel, not a competition.
Turning it into advice they didn’t ask for
Pitfall: You slip from “I relate” into “Here’s what you should do.”
Fix: Ask if they want advice before offering it. Try, “Do you want to hear what helped me?”
Forgetting to loop back to them
Pitfall: You end your story without giving them the floor again.
Fix: Always finish by asking a question or inviting them to share more.
Your final takeaway:
Relating to someone’s story is a great way to build connection but connection only happens when both people feel heard. The next time you share a similar experience, try slowing down, framing your story as a bridge, and looping the conversation back to them. You’ll find your relationships deepen without anyone feeling overshadowed.
Have a specific situation you’re navigating or have a question, ask away in the forum, where I answer all questions with tailored support and others can chime in with support, feedback, or tips.
Xo,
Dr. C