8 Back-to-School Comebacks Every Child Needs for Mean Girls or Mean Boys
New school year, new friends, new challenges and sometimes, new encounters with kids who aren’t so kind. It’s not just the obvious moments like name-calling. Mean girl and mean boy behavior can show up in subtle ways, leaving someone out, changing “best friends” daily, or taking things without asking. As parents, we can’t be there to solve every playground problem but we can give our kids the words, tools, and confidence to protect themselves.
One of my favorite ways to teach this is with The Friendship Candle Analogy:
We all have a flame, it’s your spirit, your soul, your light.
A good friend protects your flame and helps it burn brighter.
A bad friend or a “candle blower-outer” tries to dim it or put it out by making you feel small, excluded, or unimportant.
The goal? Teach your child to protect their flame, recognize who’s helping it shine, and walk away from the ones trying to blow it out.
Here are 8 common back-to-school scenarios and exactly what to say in each one.
1. When Someone Takes Their Toy or Belonging
Boundaries start early, taking something without asking is never okay, whether it’s a toy, school supply, or snack.
Comebacks to teach:
“I’m using it right now, you can have it when I’m done.”
“That’s mine, please ask before taking it.”
Parent Tip: Role-play this at home with a calm, steady voice not an angry tone. The goal is to be firm but not aggressive.
2. When They Feel Left Out at Recess
Exclusion stings, especially if it’s on purpose. Kids need short, direct ways to try to join in without giving away their power.
Comebacks to teach:
What are you playing?” (opens conversation)
“Can I be the next player or join now?” (forces them to pick a spot instead of saying no outright)
“Do you want me on your team or the other team?” (gives them a choice without letting them shut you out completely)
“Where can I join in?” (signals confidence and expectation of being included)
Parent Tip: Coach them to look for friendlier faces and open body language, instead of chasing the kids who keep shutting them out.
3. When Their “Best Friend” Changes Every Other Day
This is a classic mean girl move, rotating best friends to keep people feeling insecure.
Comeback to teach:
“It’s okay to have a few best friends, not just one.”
Parent Tip: Explain that this response isn’t about winning the person back, it’s about showing they can stay confident and open to multiple friendships.
4. When Someone Says Something Mean (Name-Calling or “Jokes”)
Meanness disguised as humor is still meanness. Comebacks to teach:
“Not funny.”
“That’s not how friends talk.”
“You can have your opinion.
Parent Tip: Help them practice saying it in a neutral tone, the power is in staying calm, not matching the meanness.
5. When Someone Is Laughing at You
Being laughed at — whether it’s about a mistake, how you look, or something you said — can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing. The key is to respond in a way that puts the attention back on their choice to laugh and makes it socially awkward for them to keep going.
Comebacks to teach:
“You’re not trying to be hurtful, are you?”
“Would you be laughing if this happened to you?
Want to help me?
It happens….
Parent Tip: Practice these at home using a calm, curious tone — no sarcasm or aggression. The goal is to keep your child composed and in control while making the laughter feel uncomfortable for the person doing it. Once they’ve delivered the line, teach them to either turn away, walk away, or start a new conversation to signal the moment is over.
6. When Someone Tries to Dull Their Shine
This is when the candle analogy comes to life, your child’s flame is their confidence, spirit, and light. Comebacks to teach:
That didn’t feel like a friend thing to do.
Parent Tip: Make the candle analogy part of your daily check-in: “Who helped your flame shine today? Who tried to blow it out?” This keeps the focus on behaviors, not labels, and helps your child spot which friendships protect their light.
7. When Someone Gossips About Someone Else
Gossip is a common mean girl tactic, it can spread quickly and quietly hurt someone’s reputation. But because it’s often used as a “bonding” tool, kids need ways to handle it without coming across as judgmental or removing themselves so much that they get excluded. Comebacks to teach:
“That’s between you two. Tell me about [new topic].”
“I’ll let her tell me about that when she’s ready.”
“Oh, I don’t know the full story.”
Parent Tip: Practice these responses at home so your child can say them in a light, casual tone. The goal is to sound uninterested in the gossip, not confrontational about it. Following up with a quick subject change keeps the conversation moving and helps them stay socially included without fueling the negativity.
8. When Someone Gossips About You
Hearing that someone’s been talking behind your back can feel embarrassing, hurtful, or even make you want to lash out. The goal here is to stay calm, show you’re not rattled, and avoid giving them the reaction they’re hoping for.
Comebacks to teach:
“You can ask me directly next time.”
“If you want to know something about me, you can just ask.”
“That’s not true.”
“You can believe what you want, I know the truth.”
Parent Tip: Kids often think they need to defend themselves to everyone who’s heard the gossip, they don’t. Teach them that one calm, direct statement is enough, then change the subject or walk away. This shows others they won’t be pulled into drama and helps protect their social confidence.
Need more support with this? Head to the main page and under downloads, get your Mean Girl Guide for parents and for kids & teens for free with your membership, it’s already in your library.
And if you have a specific question, head to the forum and ask away, I reply to every question with tailored recommendations.
Xo,
Dr. C