When concern is actually a subtle smear campaign
It starts off sounding kind:
“I just feel so bad for her.”
“Aww, did you hear what happened?”
“That poor thing.”
But you know better. This isn’t empathy. This is reputation control, wrapped in concern. Especially at the end of the school year, when social roles are being locked in before summer.
Here’s what’s actually going on:
This is a tactic known in psychology as relational aggression and more specifically, performative empathy. It’s used to subtly isolate or stigmatize a child without looking cruel. Fake concern creates a narrative:
Your child is fragile.
Your child is drama.
Your child is different.
It positions the speaker as the “kind one,” while planting a seed that damages how others view your child heading into the next school year or summer activities.
Here’s why it hurts:
These comments aren’t just annoying. They’re strategic. And they work because:
They sound harmless
They don’t sound like gossip
They trigger other parents’ protective instincts against your child
Your child might not even know it’s happening. But they feel the social shift. Fewer playdate invites. Awkward energy at pickup. Suddenly, they’re “the one people feel bad for.”
Here’s what you can say (without looking dramatic)
If it’s said in front of you:
I don’t know them that well, so I can’t speak to that.
It sets a boundary by omission. You’re showing: I don’t engage in speculation, which signals integrity and makes you less likely to be a future target. And it works because it:
Disengages you from gossip: You’re refusing to co-sign or add commentary.
Protects your reputation: You stay out of the triangle, there’s no alliance with the gossiper, or betrayal of the person being discussed.
Sounds neutral, not cold: It’s a graceful out that doesn’t require confrontation.
Deflects pressure: You make it clear you’re not the person to ask, without making it awkward.
I’ll let her share the story when she’s ready.
It works because it communicates “I know what’s appropriate to share, and this isn’t it.” It stops gossip without escalating conflict and builds your credibility as someone who has social awareness and backbone. And it:
Centers the person being talked about: It shifts control back to them.
It subtly challenges the speaker: Without being rude, it hints: This isn’t your story to tell.
Protects privacy: It shuts down the conversation in a way that’s respectful to all.
Models emotional maturity: Especially in mom groups, this positions you as thoughtful, not reactive.
Oh, I hadn’t heard that from her yet
This works because it sounds neutral, not confrontational. You’re not accusing anyone, you’re just stating a fact. It puts the focus back on the source, it gently highlights that this didn’t come from her. Which subtly questions: So why are you sharing it? It also creates a natural stop in the conversation where most people will pause or backpedal after hearing it, without you having to say much more.
If it’s happening behind your back:
Send a calm, assertive message (if it’s someone you see often):
“Hey, I’ve heard a few things mentioned about (child’s name). If there’s ever something you’re concerned about or think could be helpful to talk through, I’m always open to a direct conversation.”
And here’s what NOT to do:
Don’t mirror the behavior with your passive aggression. It dilutes your credibility.
Don’t over-explain or over-apologize. You’ll feed the narrative.
Don’t stay silent if it’s affecting your child’s standing, especially in small mom circles or schools.
Here’s your final takeaway:
Fake concern isn’t kindness, it’s control. When someone uses it to reframe your child as a project, a problem, or a pity case, it’s okay to name the pattern, hold the boundary, and protect their reputation. Because how kids are talked about in front of other moms? Shapes how they’re treated. Especially in the summer months when groups tighten and plans get made without you.
Have a specific question? Head to the community forum and ask away, it’s anonymous.
Xo,
Dr. C