How to show up differently when you're the Fringe Friend

You’re not imagining it, the way you’ve shown up in friendships might be exactly what’s making you feel left out. You care deeply, you give generously, you try to be the kind of friend you wish others were. But somehow, you’re the one getting forgotten in group texts, left out of birthday dinners, or stuck watching your friends bond without you.

I’ve seen it time and time again: good friends become fringe friends, not because they did something wrong, but because they kept over-functioning in friendships that never required mutual effort. Let’s break down why this happens, and more importantly, how to show up differently with word for word scripts to help you shift the dynamic while still being kind and true to who you are.

1. You’re the safe space but no one checks on you.

You listen deeply, you’re emotionally available. And without realizing it, people start assuming you’re always fine. You become the friend people vent to but never check on.

Here’s how to Show Up Differently:

Practice letting people in, even just a little. Vulnerability builds connection, not weakness. And you can try this script: 

“I’ve been going through a lot lately. Can I vent?” 

You’re reminding them that you have emotional needs too and setting the tone for a more mutual relationship.

2. You’re easygoing so you get the scraps.

You don’t make a fuss and you’re flexible, so when someone invites you last minute or forgets to follow up, they assume you won’t care. But it still stings.

Here’s How to Show Up Differently:

Be warm but boundaried, you can still be easygoing without being the backup plan. And you can try using this script:

“I’m usually pretty go-with-the-flow. Next time thought let’s plan ahead!” 

You’re showing growth, not guilt and inviting more intentionality from them too.

3. You overgive and it makes it harder for others to show up.

You initiate, you check in, and you do the remembering. Not out of neediness but out of genuine care. But here’s the trap: when you carry the relationship, others don’t feel the need to step in. And eventually, you feel like the only one trying.

Here’s How to Show Up Differently: 

Don’t stop caring but start making room for others to lead too. Here’s a script to use: 

“I’ve realized I’ve been reaching out a lot, and I want to make sure I’m not accidentally making it hard for you to take the lead too. I really value our friendship.”

This reframe doesn’t blame or cause defensiveness but instead leads with curiosity and care for the friendship. 

4. You’re the connector and they forget you’re also human.

You love building bridges, you genuinely want people to feel included. But sometimes, when those people bond, they forget to loop you in and you’re left watching the group you created move on without you.

Here’s How to Show Up Differently:

Remind them you’re not just the planner or the bridge, you’re part of the connection, too. Try using this script: 

“I’m so glad you two connected! I’d love to get together with both of you soon too!” 

You’re not shaming them, you’re inviting yourself back in. That’s self-respect, not neediness.

Your final takeaway: 

Being a good friend shouldn’t leave you feeling invisible. But when you always adjust, over function, or play the background, people stop seeing you. Not out of cruelty, but because they’ve grown used to your silence. You don’t need to stop being kind, you just need to start being kinder to yourself, too. That means giving less when it’s not mutual, speaking up when you feel the shift, and showing up in a way that makes space for others to do the same.

Have a specific question? Head to the community forum and ask your question anonymously and I’ll get back to you! Others can chime in too. 

Xo,
Dr. C