6 Tactics a Mean Girl Uses to Freeze You Out and Why Some People Still Deny It Happens
Every time I talk about mean girl behavior, there’s always someone who says, “Adults don’t act like this.” Or, “Just stay away from them.” But relational aggression isn’t limited to middle school hallways, it happens everywhere. This dynamic across all backgrounds, in families, workplaces, school communities, and friend groups. The setting may change, but the patterns rarely do. It’s not always loud or obvious. In fact, that’s what makes it so confusing. So, let’s describe a mean girl, not the one from a teen movie, but the kind you might encounter at a PTA meeting, an office event, or even a holiday dinner.
A mean girl often:
Acts warm one-on-one but distant around certain people (she’s inconsistent with you).
Consistently only ignores your messages in the group chat and responds to everyone else’s.
Gives backhanded compliments disguised as kindness.
Sabotages you by withholding information so you look unprepared or excluded.
Status checks you to see where she stands in comparison.
And if she’s in your friend group, she eventually, starts slowly freezing you out after she initially love bombed you when you both met. And she doesn’t do this by kicking you out directly, but by making sure you feel on the outside just enough to protect her image, while still keeping you around, close enough to confuse you, and far enough to remind you you’re not really in.
Why It Hurts So Much
Because it targets your sense of belonging. Social exclusion activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. That’s why it lingers, you can’t just “get over it.” When inclusion is used as a power tool, it chips away at confidence and creates self-doubt.
Why Some People Dismiss It
When people say things like, “That’s just high school behavior,” or “Adults don’t have time for this,” it usually comes from one of two places:
They haven’t experienced it firsthand, so it’s easier to label it “drama.”
They’ve participated in it, consciously or not, and acknowledging it would mean taking accountability.
It’s more comfortable to call others “too sensitive” than to recognize how exclusion or silence can quietly harm someone’s sense of safety in a group.
Where It Shows Up
Relational aggression can look different depending on the setting:
In families: A relative leaves you out of plans but tells everyone else “you’re busy.”
In workplaces: A colleague withholds information to make you look unprepared.
In mom groups: Conversations stop when you walk up, or invitations appear last minute.
In friendships: Someone who was once warm suddenly cools off when you start thriving.
What To Do
You’ve spotted the signs, she’s warm one-on-one, distant in groups, and slowly pulling away. Here’s how to handle each behavior with calm confidence instead of self-doubt.
1. She acts warm one-on-one but distant around others.
This happens because she’s managing her image. When others are watching, she distances herself to protect status or control perception.
Don’t chase the private warmth. If someone’s connection depends on who’s around, it’s not real safety.
Stay consistent: greet her the same way in both settings. Your steadiness exposes the inconsistency.
What to say (if you want to name it):
“Hey, can I check in with you about something? I’ve noticed that when it’s just us, conversation is so easy but when we’re around others, it’s more quiet. I’m not sure if it’s just me.”
2. She ignores your messages in the group chat.
This is quiet exclusion meant to make you question your belonging.
Don’t double text or over explain.
Shift your energy to direct plans with people who reciprocate.
What to say (if needed):
“Hey, just wanted to check if everyone saw my message.”
Say that once, then move on. The goal is to stay neutral, not needy. Your other option is to message someone else privately that is the safest from that group chat. Your reminder that silence is a response.
3. She gives backhanded compliments.
It’s disguised criticism, a way to knock confidence while pretending to be nice.
Don’t defend or over justify.
Mirror back the awkwardness calmly.
What to say:
“Thanks… I think?”
4. She sabotages you by withholding information.
Withholding details lets her look organized while you appear forgetful or out of the loop.
Keep communication in writing when possible (“Thanks for confirming via text!”).
Ask questions publicly so accountability is shared.
What to say:
“Oh, I didn’t realize that changed, next time can you loop me in?”
Say it with a neutral tone; it signals awareness, not blame.
5. She status-checks you.
These are subtle one-up comments,, “Where did you get that?” or “Who invited you?” meant to measure social hierarchy.
Refuse the game. Redirect to your values, not validation from them.
For more on status checking, read this post here.
6. She starts freezing you out.
You’re slowly excluded to protect her image while keeping you close enough to appear kind.
Don’t try to win your spot back.
Ground yourself in facts, she’s withdrawing to maintain control, not because you did something wrong.
Choose calm closure: invest elsewhere instead of explaining your worth.
What to say (if you decide to address it):
“I’ve noticed some distance between us lately — if that’s intentional, that’s okay. I just wanted to check in.”
Remember
You don’t need to prove your value to people who make belonging conditional. Want to read more on Mean Girls? Search Mean Girls int the search bar and more actionable scripts and tips will come up. You can also download your Mean Girl guide found under Your Library of Guides or ask a question anonymously by heading to The Lounge.
And if you’re walking into the holidays worried about group dynamics or family politics, join my Mean Girl Bootcamp the weekend before Thanksgiving, a live workshop designed to help you show up calm, confident, and unshaken when someone tries to pull you back into old patterns. Head to the main page of Assertive You and enter your email address at the top of the page to sign up.
xo,
Dr. C