4 Tools to Help You Keep the Peace When You Don’t Like Your Sister in law (or She Doesn’t Like You)
This is where most people get stuck. Even if you accept the dynamic with your sister or sister in law, how do you show up around her without being triggered, overthinking, or feeling small? Try these tools:
1. The Politician Mindset: Warm. Brief. Gone.
This is your go-to for family gatherings:
-Be warm enough to be civil.
-Brief enough to protect your energy.
-Gone before the dynamics pull you in.
It keeps the peace without over-investing in a relationship that doesn’t support you.
Use it when:
she gives you a backhanded comment
she ignores you in a group
she’s being performative with the other SILs
she tries to control the energy
you feel the hierarchy in the room
Try these polite exit scripts when you need them:
“Excuse me, I’m going to grab something real quick.”
“Let me go check on ____.”
This keeps you kind, neutral, and in control.
2. The Curiosity Shift (Your Anti-Trigger Tool)
Being triggered doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your brain is filling in the gaps with the worst-case interpretation. When she gives unsolicited advice, asks pointed questions, or makes comparisons, your mind may automatically go to: “She’s judging me.” “Clearly she doesn’t like me.” “She’s one-upping me.”“She’s trying to make me feel small.” Instead, practice an emotional regulation tool:
Swap judgment for curiosity.
Ask yourself:
“What else could this mean besides hostility?”
Possible neutral interpretations:
She’s awkward and fills silence with advice.
She thinks she’s being helpful (even if she isn’t).
She leads with comparison because she’s insecure.
She’s closer to the other SILs because she fell into a routine.
She doesn’t realize you want more closeness.
She’s protective of her inner circle and keeps new people at arm’s length.
This doesn’t excuse the behavior but it loosens the emotional grip so it doesn’t control your mood.
Scripts for advice or judgment:
“Thanks for sharing, we do it differently, but I appreciate it.”
“Good to know! That’s not what works for us, but I hear you.”
Redirect: “Speaking of that, did you ever try ____?”
Curiosity isn’t weakness, it’s regulation.
3. Have Two Safe Conversation Topics Ready
This prevents awkwardness, panic, or getting trapped in draining conversations.
Pick two neutral topics you can always rely on when stuck with her:
holiday activities
travel
wellness / workouts
TV shows
restaurants
décor
weekend plans
work updates
gifts for the kids
local events
Then use one of these openers:
“Have you tried any good restaurants lately?”
“Are you guys doing anything fun this season?”
“You mentioned a show last time, did you finish it?”
“What’s your weekend looking like?”
This keeps the interaction light and prevents you from being pulled into emotional quicksand.
4. Decide the Level of Access She Gets
Family often assumes emotional access they haven’t earned. And that’s where so much of the hurt comes from, the unspoken belief that because someone is “family,” they get full access to your energy, vulnerability, and time but emotional access isn’t inherited, it’s earned. You get to decide, intentionally:
What you share with her
How much of your inner world she gets access to
How long you stay in conversations
What topics feel safe for you
How much effort you want to give
Where you draw the line between polite and personal
This is emotional boundaries in action, not to punish her, but to protect your peace.
Here’s an easy way to set that boundary internally:
Ask yourself before any gathering:
“What level of access feels safe and sustainable for me today?”
Level 1: Polite and brief
Level 2: Friendly but not intimate
Level 3: Warmer, if she’s earning it
When you decide this ahead of time, you stop:
over-explaining
over-sharing
over-giving
taking her comments personally
hoping for something she repeatedly doesn’t offer
You’re no longer reacting to her behavior, you’re responding from your values. And that is where your confidence comes from.
Final Takeaway
You can stay in the family without forcing closeness, you can be kind without being overly available, you can protect your peace without creating drama, and you can walk into the holiday season feeling grounded, not braced. Exclusion hurts especially when it comes from inside the family but it doesn’t define your worth, your identity, or the way you get to show up. You get to choose connection without chasing, boundaries without guilt, and presence without pretending.
Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, I’ll get back to you with tailored recommendations and others can chime in for support. Plus you get to stay anonymous.
xo,
Dr. C