How to Teach Kids to Use a Strong Voice (Not a Loud One)
When your child feels ignored, left out, or frustrated, their first instinct is often to either go silent or go loud. Both extremes send the wrong message, silence teaches avoidance, and yelling turns them into the “problem.” The skill to teach instead? A strong voice, calm, confident, clear, and steady. Because no one listens when you’re yelling, and no one notices when you’re whispering at the floor.
Why This Skill Matters So Early
Your child’s body and voice communicate confidence long before their words do. When they slouch, mumble, or look down, their message gets lost, even if what they’re saying is right. A strong voice teaches them that they can be heard without being harsh. It’s not about dominance, it’s about presence. And that presence, chin up, shoulders back, calm tone, eye contact is the foundation for how they’ll handle teachers, peers, and eventually coworkers later in life.
How to Explain the Difference
Here’s a simple way to teach the difference at home:
Loud Voice – Tries to control.
Loud Voice: “Stop it!!!”
Strong Voice – Communicates clearly.
Strong Voice: “Stop. That’s not okay.”
You can practice using stuffed animals or puppets and say:
“Let’s try that again, but with your strong voice.”
Then model it yourself, calm tone, upright posture, slow pace, direct eye contact.
Kids learn more from how you speak to them than what you say.
The Power of Posture
Confidence starts in the body. When your child stands tall, chin up, shoulders open, their voice naturally comes out stronger and steadier.
Try this exercise together:
Have them say “Stop, that’s not okay” while looking down.
Then have them say it again standing tall, looking at you.
Ask:
“Which one felt like you meant it more?”
This helps them feel the difference between timid and confident communication.
When to Use the Strong Voice
Explain to your child that the strong voice is for important moments, not for getting their way, but for getting their point across:
When someone takes their toy
When someone says something mean
When they need help and no one is listening
When they want to join a group
You can remind them:
“Your strong voice helps people take you seriously.”
“Your loud voice makes it harder for them to hear your words.”
What to Say When Teaching It
Use small reminders in the moment:
“Chin up, your voice matters.”
“Strong voice, not loud voice.”
“Stand tall so people can hear your words.”
If they freeze or whisper, validate first:
“It’s okay to feel nervous. Let’s take a deep breath and try again.”
Then model:
“Watch mommy’s voice, calm and strong.”
Why It’s More Than Just Volume
This isn’t just about playground confidence, it’s emotional regulation training. Children who can stay calm and firm under stress grow into adults who can advocate for themselves without aggression or avoidance. They learn:
I can use my voice without losing control.
I can express what I need without hurting anyone.
I can stand tall and still be kind.
These are the same communication skills that form the foundation of assertiveness later in life.
Takeaway for Parents
Your child doesn’t need to be the loudest in the room, they just need to be heard. So next time they feel upset, remind them:
“Stand tall. Chin up. Strong voice.”
Because one day, those words will become the inner script they use as adults when they have to speak up, set a boundary, or say no. And that starts here, at age two, three, or four with one strong, steady voice.
Have a specific parenting question? Book a parent coaching session with me or head to The Lounge inside Assertive You and ask away, others can chime in and I'll get back to you with tailored scripts & tips.
xo,
Dr. C