3 things to do if you find yourself in a competitive friendship

One of the hardest parts about a competitive friendship is that it often doesn’t start that way. At first, they’re supportive. They celebrate your wins even and you feel close. Then something shifts out of nowhere. Maybe you got a promotion, started dating someone new, lost weight, launched a business, made new friends, or simply became more confident. That’s when the energy all of a sudden changed.

The compliments all of a sudden became backhanded, they seem less excited for you, exclusion starts and almost as if they’re rooting against you instead of for you. If you’re finding yourself in this shift, here are 3 things to start doing now:

1.STOP making yourself smaller to make them more comfortable.

This is often one of the first things people do without even realizing it. This looks like stopping to share your good news, downplaying your own accomplishments, making jokes at your own expense, and apolgoizing for the opportunities you’ve been given. The problem though with this is that the more you shrink, the more you’re teaching yourself that belonging requires abandoning yourself.

Your success isn’t what damaged the friendship, it just revealed what the friendship could and couldn’t tolerate.

What to do:

There’s a difference between bragging and sharing updates. Work on continuing to share your life naturally. You don’t need to constantly update them if they can’t be supportive but also don’t hide your joy either. See what happens when you start being yourself and you stop managing their emotions for them.

2. Stop chasing the old version of the friendship

Many people try so hard trying to win back the old version of the friendship. Friendships aren’t won by trying harder. Don’t become desperate, instead get curious and ask yourself this:

What to do:

Stop asking yourself, “How do I get them back?” and instead ask yourself:

“Is this still a friendship where I can fully be myself?”

Do you really want a friendship where you can’t?

3. Invest where celebration goes both ways

The goal isn’t leaving competitive people, it’s simply trying to find reciprocal friendships. Emotional safety in friendships is reciprocity and where they can be there for you not only when you’re struggling but when you’re also winning. You don’t want friends who see your growth as a threat.

This week, ask yourself, who are the people that constantly leave you feeling energized? Who are the ones that celebrate you? Who asks you follow up questions (and not because they’re being nosey). & begin investing in those relationships.

And if someone just recently switched up on you:

You don’t have to immediately end the friendship. You can try reaching out and saying something like:

“Hey, I've noticed things have felt a bit different between us lately. I miss how we used to hang out and be. Have you also noticed anything?”

Then pay attention to how they react. Do they just dismiss it or get defensive? Or do they show curiosity and try to have an honest conversation? That will tell you a lot.

Your Final Takeaway:

This is your reminder that the healthiest friendships are the ones where everyone’s success feels safe because the right friends don’t lose when you win.

Going through something? Head to Dear Dr. C and ask away. I’ll get back to you with tailored scripts and tips and others can chime in with support too. Prefer a private 1:1? Head to the book a session tab above and members get 10% off with code: Member.

xo,

Dr. C