How to Break the Cycle of Being the Fringe Friend & Family Member

Here’s how to break the cycle without ghosting, starting drama, or losing yourself…

You can’t fix a relationship by doing more of what’s already not working. And this next part? It’s not about confrontation, it’s about realignment. So if you're tired of being the bridge, the planner, the over-accommodator, being included yet never emotionally prioritized this is how to start showing up differently and cutting off the behaviors (not other people off) that are keeping you stuck in a one-sided role. 

STEP 1: Pause the patterns that keeps you chasing them 

Over-functioning feels like leadership but it’s often fear in disguise. If you’re the one always checking in, coordinating schedules, or reviving dead group chats, you may be unintentionally training others to rely on your emotional labor. You’re not “just being nice,”you’re overcompensating for an imbalance.

The Pattern Interrupt: Take a 2–3 Week Pause

This pause is not a game, it’s a boundary experiment and it’s one of the most effective ways to observe which friendships are reciprocal. 

-Do this one friendship at a time (not all at once).

-Use it to gather data, not create drama. 

Without buffers, silence can feel like rejection. With buffers, it becomes space to reconnect with your own value. Buffers remind you of your worth, help you self-regulate, and protect you from reacting just to avoid discomfort. Buffers are intentional emotional supports and distractions you put in place so you’re not sitting in silence just waiting for your phone to buzz. 

Here are some buffer ideas during a friendship pause:

-Tell 1 safe friend that doesn’t know this other friend, family member, coach, or a therapist what you’re doing. You’re not ghosting, you’re just collecting data. Having one person to check in with can help you reflect during this process. 

-Fill the space with new input like podcasts and books. 

-Use a journal to log what comes up emotionally. Not to obsess over but to observe. What am I afraid of with this silence? Where did this discomfort come from?

-Reach out to one new person and plan a small outing with them. This reminds you that connection doesn’t begin and end with just one friend/group. 

-Plan new activities you’ve always wanted to do like going to a new pilates class or language class so you still have connection during this time. 

Here’s a mindset shift to tell yourself during this pause:

“I’m not ghosting, I’m just resetting the scale to see who meets me halfway.” 

This reset looks like:

-Stop initiating check-in’s, plans, or reminders. 

-Don’t announce it, just let space exist 

-Don’t fill the silence with guilt. Fill it with observation. 

During this time ask yourself: 

• Who checks in when I stop filling the gaps?

• Do I feel anxious or relieved with this distance?

• Who disappears completely?

If you’re met with silence, that’s data. 

Important reminder: 

This process can bring insight and emotional growth but it can also surface grief, rejection, or old trauma. If you notice sadness, hopelessness, or numbness during this work, please pause and reach out to a mental health professional, you don’t have to do this alone. 

For the next parts on what to do next, head to the download section and download the full Fringe Friend No More Guide. It’s already waiting for you, free in your member library.  

Have a specific question you’re navigating? Head to the forum and post anonymously, I’ll answer personally, and you might even help someone else going through the same thing. 

You don’t have to ghost people, you don’t have to start drama, you just have to stop doing what’s keep you stuck. 

Xo,
Dr. C