Backhanded compliments: How to catch yourself

You mean to say something nice but as soon as it left your mouth, you weren’t sure if it landed right. Or maybe she got quiet after you said, “wow, you actually pulled it off!” Backhanded compliments aren’t always malicious. Most of us picked them up from years of low-key comparison, sarcasm, or social survival tactics. But if you’re working on showing up as a more supportive friend or trying to stop shrinking others to feel secure yourself, it starts with paying attention to what you’re really saying underneath your words. 

What is a backhanded compliment?

Backhanded compliments are a quiet form of social control. They sound supportive, but they’re designed to shrink the other person just enough to make you feel less threatened. You might not even realize you’re doing it until someone goes quiet after your “nice” comment.

They often show up when:

• You’re feeling competitive 

• You want to connect, but don’t know how without softening their success

• You’re uncomfortable with how impressed you actually are 

Self-check: Is it a compliment or a subtle dig? Here are some self-check prompts to ask yourself:

• Did my compliment include surprise? (“Wow, I didn’t think you could pull that off!”)

• Did I make it about me? (“I could never wear that but good for you!”)

• Would I still say this if I were feeling secure right now?

• Am I trying to sound supportive and superior at the same time?

Behavioral tools to practice instead:

1. Cut the comparison.

Take out anything that references you or others. Keep the spotlight on her moment.

•  “I could never do that but that’s great for you!”

•  “That took guts. You owned it.”

2. Don’t soften with surprise.

When you’re genuinely impressed, don’t make it sound like it was unexpected.

•  “Wow, you actually did a good job!”

•  “That turned out amazing. I’m impressed.”

3. Speak directly then stop talking.

If you over-explain the compliment, you’re likely trying to regain power or justify it.

•  “You handled that so well.”

• (No need to add: “I mean, I didn’t expect it, but still…”)

4. Watch your tone & body language.

Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Smile without smirking. Keep your tone steady, not condescending.

Reframe the Moment:

If a compliment feels uncomfortable to give, ask yourself:

Am I trying to uplift her or manage how I feel around her success?

You’re allowed to feel triggered. You’re just not obligated to act on it.

Try this exercise: 

• Pick one person you usually feel competitive with.

• Commit to one genuine compliment, no disclaimers, no detours.

• Notice the difference in your body when you offer praise without performance 

When you catch yourself in real time:

If you realize mid-sentence that you’ve added a little sting, reset it with honesty like: 

“That came out wrong, what I meant is that I’m really impressed.”

Or 

“Let me say that better, you did amazing!

You don’t need to make it dramatic, just intentional. 

You’re not a bad friend, you’re a self-aware one 

If this post made you uncomfortable, that’s not a bad thing. You’re paying attention. Most of us were taught to shrink others to feel safe, not because we’re mean girls but because we didn’t know any other way. Now you do. Real compliments lift up, don’t compare, and never need justification. And if you’re doing the work to be a more secure, supportive friend, this is the muscle that matter.

Have a specific question? Head to the forum and ask away or if you’re looking for 1:1 support, head to the “Book a Session” tab above to book a 1:1 with me.

Xo,
Dr. C