4 signs you’re the Mean Girl and how to actually stop
You don’t have to wear a Regina George name tag to have mean girl tendencies. Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes it’s a defense mechanism, and sometimes it’s learned behavior we’ve never questioned. But here’s the good news: If you’re reading this, you’re self-aware enough to want to change and that’s the beginning of everything. Here are four common behaviors that might mean you’re unintentionally showing up like the “mean girl” in your friendships and what to do instead:
1. You gossip, then call it venting
We all need to process things but gossip is about discrediting someone when they’re not there to defend themselves. If you’re “just venting,” but it would land differently if she were in the room, it’s worth a pause.
Try this instead:
Before you share, ask: Is this about seeking support or stirring judgment?
Filter your words through this: Would I say this if she were standing right here?
If you still need to process, talk to someone neutral not someone also in the circle.
Behavioral shift:
Build the habit of asking for advice about how to handle something, not validation to judge someone.
2. You one-up or downplay her wins
You shift the conversation back to yourself. You share your own story right after hers. You make her big moment feel… smaller. Here’s what’s often underneath that: insecurity, comparison, or scarcity. If her win feels like a threat, it’s not about her, it’s about what’s unhealed in you.
Ask yourself:
Why does her win feel like it takes something away from me?
Do this instead:
Practice saying one sentence that celebrates her without a follow-up about you.
When you feel envy, use it as information. What is she doing that I want more of in my own life?
Behavioral shift:
Reframe her as a teammate, not a threat. Your body might feel discomfort but your words can lead with connection.
3. You “forget” to include her but it’s never an accident
“It just happened.”
“We figured you were busy.”
“I didn’t think you’d want to come.”
We’ve all said it but when someone is consistently left out, and we always have a reason why we owe it to ourselves to look deeper.
Ask yourself:
Was I avoiding discomfort? Jealousy? Fear she’d change the vibe or take attention off me?
Is this about her… or about how I feel when I’m around her?
Do this instead:
If you don’t want to invite her, own the reason privately before sugarcoating it.
Or, if the relationship matters, work through what’s keeping you from including her.
Behavioral shift:
Move from autopilot exclusion to intentional connection or honest distance.
4. You give compliments with a bite
“You’re so brave to wear that.”
“You actually did a good job.”
“I could never pull that off but good for you!”
Backhanded compliments are disguised digs. They might come from insecurity, resentment, or the need to regain power in a subtle way.
Ask yourself:
Why did I say it like that? Was I lifting her up or trying to keep her down?
Do this instead:
Before complimenting, pause and notice your tone, word choice, and intention.
Try giving a compliment that doesn’t include comparison, surprise, or subtle doubt.
Behavioral shift:
Learn to express admiration without needing to assert your own status in the process.
Ready to show up differently?
If you saw yourself in any of these patterns, know that these behaviors don’t make you a bad person. They often come from years of conditioning, unprocessed competition, or low-key survival strategies in social circles but awareness gives you a choice. You’re not here to prove your worth, you’re here to unlearn what made you feel like you had to. Let’s do it differently, together. And if you’d like more help with this, book a 1:1 with me by heading to the ‘Book a Session” tab above.
Xo,
Dr. C