How Do You Know if Your Friend is Too Busy, Social Climbing, or Using You?
On the surface, it can look like your friend is just busy. But when the pattern keeps repeating, always showing up at birthdays, parties, or holidays but never for the small stuff, it starts to feel off. And it’s not just in your head, reciprocity is the foundation of trust. Without it, relationships stop feeling like friendships and start feeling transactional. So how do you figure out if they’re genuinely busy or if they’re keeping you around only for what the friendship gives them?
Why Reciprocity Matters
Humans are wired to notice fairness. In healthy friendships, there’s give-and-take: effort, attention, and care flow both ways. When it’s consistently one-sided, your brain reads it as rejection, which is why it stings so much. And people who social climb often mask it under busyness. They stay tethered enough to keep access to your social circle, status, or resources without investing in you personally. That’s why looking at patterns matters more than single events.
Beyond “Busy”: 5 Red Flags to Watch For
They only RSVP yes when others they want access to are there.
Your invites get brushed off, but they show up for mutual friends’ smaller plans.
Conversations lean toward who you know or what you can connect them to.
They post and tag the big events you invite them to, but skip over the personal moments.
You feel drained or overlooked instead of valued after hanging out.
What To Do About It (Action Steps)
Observe first.
Track the last 4–5 interactions. Were they mutual? Or did they only reach out when it benefited them?Name what you value.
Let them know you’re looking for friendships that go beyond special occasions. Example:
“I always love catching up with you at parties, we should make hanging out happen more often.”Test the friendship.
Instead of chasing, stop initiating for a while. Do they reach out on their own? Or does the friendship fade when you stop feeding it? For a step-by-step on how to do this, head to your guide library and download my Fringe Friend No More Guide (included already with your membership).Decide how much energy it deserves.
If they step up, great, nurture it.
If not, shift them into your “acquaintance” bucket and invest in people who reciprocate.
Other Scripts To Try:
Light Distance (not sure yet):
“Want to grab coffee/drinks/lunch/dinner next week or the following?”Clear Pattern (testing):
“I love how we always pick back up when we see each other, do you ever think about staying in touch more outside of them? I really value that in my friendships.”If They Keep Using You, You Can Either:
Quietly distance (if you don’t need closure)
Because you don’t see them that often, you’re okay with letting the friendship fade, and you don’t want to invest your energy in a conversation that probably won’t change them.
Do this by stop being the one to initiate & being polite when you see them but keep things light and keep interactions brief.
Or try saying: “We usually ever really catch up at events, I’d love if we stayed in touch more.” If things don’t change after these conversations then that’s your data.
Quick Takeaway Checklist
-Do they reach out when nothing’s “in it” for them?
-Do they follow up on your life, not just events?
-Do you leave interactions feeling valued, not used?
-Do they show consistency, not just convenience?
Your Final Takeaway:
At the end of the day, you can’t force reciprocity, you can only notice patterns. If things doing shift after you’ve spoken up, that’s your answer. Friendship should feel mutual, not like a transaction. Protect your energy and put it toward the people who consistently show up because that’s where the real connection grows.
Have a specific question? Head to the lounge, and ask away whether you’re looking for support and just want to vent or are looking for more tailored tips. I
xo,
Dr. C