What to do when you feel like roommates with your husband or boyfriend
Let’s call it what it is: You love each other, but something’s off. You’re not fighting, you’re not in crisis, you’re just existing side by side.You share a home, a schedule, maybe even kids but not much else lately. This “roommate phase” is more common than you think, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is over. It does mean it’s time to reconnect on purpose. Here’s how to shift from coexisting to connecting with realistic micro-steps.
1. Stop Saying “We’re Just Too Busy”
Being busy is real, but when you stop prioritizing the relationship, disconnection becomes the default. The spark doesn’t die all at once it dims in the daily neglect.
Try this weekly ritual:
One 20-minute no-phone check-in per week.
No distractions, just talking. Ask:
“How are we doing, not just as parents or coworkers, but as us?”
Emotional intimacy doesn’t happen by accident it happens when you create space for it.
2. Start Noticing the Overlooked
When you stop feeling seen, you stop showing up fully. So many couples fall into the trap of assuming their partner knows they’re appreciated, they don’t.
Try this phrase:
“I never say this, but I really appreciate the way you ___.”
It might be how they fold the laundry, how they take the dog out every morning, how they silently support you when you’re overwhelmed. Appreciation builds warmth, warmth builds connection, and connection breaks the “just roommates” dynamic.
3. Make Micro-Moves Toward Physical Closeness
This is about proximity. So instead of the usual couch corners:
Sit closer during a tv show.
Reach for their hand when you pass right by them.
Say, “Can I have a 6-second hug?” and actually count it out.
Look each other in the eye when you say good morning or goodbye, and give each other a kiss too.
It works because physical touch releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone.” And longer hugs shift your nervous system out of stress mode and into connection mode.
Your Final Takeaway:
Feeling like roommates is a sign, not a sentence. It’s a gentle nudge to reconnect. Not through grand gestures, but through consistent, intentional effort. Need more help? Head to the forum and ask away, and I’ll reply with tailored support. You can also head to the book a session tab above if you’d prefer a 1:1.
Xo,
Dr. C