Tired of doing all the work in your friendships? Here’s what to do.

You’re the planner, the check-in friend, the one who remembers birthdays, follows up after hard conversations, and keeps the group connected. And yet, you’re exhausted. If you’ve ever pulled back just a little and instantly felt guilty or wondered, “Would this friendship even exist if I stopped putting in the effort?” It’s not just you. You were just trying to be a good friend but ended up feeling under-supported, overextended, and quietly resentful. 

First, what does it mean to “do the most” in a friendship?

It means you:

• Text first (and often).

• Remember the details, follow up, and carry the emotional load.

• Smooth over awkward moments.

• Check in when something seems off even if they don’t check in on you.

• Show up, again and again, without that effort being matched.

It looks generous. But over time, it starts to feel one-sided.

And here’s the kicker: You might be doing all of that to earn your place in a friendship that should’ve been mutual to begin with.

Why You Might Be Over-Giving

Before we talk about how to step back, let’s name why you may be over-giving in the first place (with no shame):

• You equate being “needed” with being valuable.

• You learned that peacekeeping = love.

• You’re afraid if you stop trying, the friendship will fade (and that would hurt too much).

• You don’t want to be seen as rude, cold, or distant.

• You were the emotional glue in your family, and it carried into adulthood.

This just means your effort is running on fear instead of reciprocity.

Here’s How to Step Back (Without Feeling Cold or Guilty)

This isn’t about turning cold. It’s about making space for healthy, mutual relationships to emerge.

1. Pause the initiating.

Give it 2–3 weeks. Stop reaching out first. Stop planning the next thing. Stop chasing the connection. This is not a punishment. This is data-gathering. If the friendship fades entirely it was only working when you were carrying it.

2. Watch what happens in the silence.

Do they check in? Do they notice? Do they ask what’s new with you? Or do they only reach out when they need something? That tells you everything.

3. Start matching energy.

Not out of spite but out of respect for your own bandwidth. If they give you surface-level effort, you’re allowed to stop giving them depth-level energy. You don’t owe your vulnerability to someone who only offers convenience.

4. Don’t over-explain your shift.

You don’t need to announce, “I’m pulling back.” You just need to stop overextending and see what stays standing. If someone says, “Haven’t heard from you in a while!”

Try something calm, neutral, and guilt-free:

“Same here! Life’s been full. When are you free to catch up?”

& once you’ve stepped back, here’s how to stay out of over-giving mode without shutting down or giving up on connection entirely.

5. Re-learn what friendship should feel like.

If you’re used to friendships where you always lead, manage emotions, or prove your worth, a reciprocal friendship might feel boring at first. That calm? That ease? That’s what it’s supposed to feel like. Let your nervous system adjust.

Try this: Start noticing how your body feels around different people. Safe relationships feel less sparkly, more steady.

6. Give others the chance to rise.

Over-giving robs people of the chance to initiate, support, or show up for you. If you always lead, they never get to practice showing they care.

Try this: Instead of pre-emptively checking in, wait. Let them notice your silence.

7. Shift from “Do they like me?” to “Do I feel good around them?”

You can spend years twisting yourself to be liked and still not feel seen. Flipping the question gives you your power back. Ask: Do I feel lighter after talking to them? Or heavier?

8. Separate real guilt from people-pleasing guilt.

Real guilt = I harmed someone.

People-pleasing guilt = I didn’t meet someone else’s unspoken expectations.

Reframe: You’re not being “mean” by pulling back. You’re just showing up more honestly.

9. Start with one friendship.

You don’t need to overhaul everything at once. Choose one dynamic where you tend to over-give and experiment with showing up differently.

Notice: Does the friendship shift? Or does the silence grow louder?

Your final takeaway:

You’re not too sensitive, you’re not too much, and you’re not cold for needing rest from one-sided relationships. You’re just ready for connection that feels mutual, not performative. You’re ready for reciprocal friendships, not ones that are exhausting. And you’re ready for the ones that are honest, not guilt-ridden. And when you stop doing the most, you give people the chance to meet you halfway, or drift away. And either outcome? Is what you needed to know. 

Have a specific question? Head to the forum and ask away and I’ll get back to you with tailored support. 

Xo,

Dr. C 

Want more of this, here’s what to read next: -How to tell if a friendships is surface-level or capable of real depth. -How to stop overgiving parts 1 and part 2-Comebacks to use when someone says “Haven’t heard from you” because sometimes you stop reaching out just to see if the friendship was ever mutual and then you get guilt tripped for it. These responses help you stay calm, direct, and clear.