Comebacks to use when someone says "I haven’t heard from you" (& don’t make you look bad)

There’s nothing worse than taking a step back from a friendship and getting hit with:

“Haven’t heard from you!” Said with a half-smile, maybe a tone, or in a group text, just loud enough for others to see. It’s often framed like a joke or a casual comment, but let’s be honest: it’s rarely that simple. Whether they mean well or not, it can leave you feeling caught off guard, a little guilty, and unsure what to say, especially when you’ve been the one doing all the work in the friendship until now.

First: Why this comment stings

Because it’s often not about the words, it’s about the implication. You disappeared, you didn’t care, and you dropped the ball. Even if they didn’t reach out either, even if they never initiated, even if they were totally fine with the distance until you stopped doing all the work. This is why your response matters, it’s not about being clever, it’s about not absorbing blame that doesn’t belong to you.

Here are comebacks that flip it back & help you stay assertive and self-respecting without sounding cold, passive-aggressive, or defensive:

1. “I was just thinking the same! How are you?”

This is neutral, disarming, and shows shared responsibility. This instantly evens the playing field. It stops the blame and sends a quiet message: You could’ve reached out too.

2.  “Same here! Life’s been full. When are you free to catch up?”

This neutralizes the guilt trip without sounding defensive while subtly communicating that they haven’t reached out either. It also validates the busyness without overexplaining and offers a clear, kind next step to move forward while putting the ball in their court in a way that’s generous, not desperate. 

3. Time got away from us! How have you been? 

This works because it doesn’t place blame, it also doesn’t apologize or over-explain your silence, the word “us” keeps it mutual, and gives them a chance to re-enage but leaves the next move on them. 

Here’s what NOT to say:

• “I’m so sorry! I’ve been such a bad friend.”

  That only reinforces the blame and sets the tone that your emotional labor is expected.

• “I’ve just been sooo busy.”

  It sounds dismissive and invites them to play the “I’m busy too” card. No one wins.

• “I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.”

  It puts you on the back foot and opens the door for gaslighting or guilt-tripping.

Your Final Takeway:

You don’t need to apologize for not reaching out first. Friendship isn’t a vending machine, you shouldn’t have to keep pressing buttons just to stay connected. If someone says “Haven’t heard from you,” and they never reached out either, that comment is a mirror, not a message. How you respond is a chance to hold your ground and stop shrinking in relationships that require you to over-function just to keep them going.

Have a specific question? Head to the forum and ask away, and i’ll get back to you!

xo,

Dr. C