Why you keep attracting friends who never ask about you & what to do about it

You know that feeling you’ve just spent an hour listening, supporting, and nodding through someone’s vent session only to realize they never once asked you how you were doing. It’s not just frustrating, over time, it chips away at your sense of connection and you start wondering:

Why do I attract people who never seem curious about me?

Is it something I’m doing?

Is this just what adult friendships looks like now?

Let’s do a deep dive into what’s at the root of it and then what to do about it. 

5 Reasons Friends Never Ask About You (Even If They Talk Nonstop)

1. They’re quietly competing with you.

If someone feels insecure or threatened, they’ll avoid asking about your life to keep the spotlight on themselves. Asking about you might trigger comparison or remind them of what they haven’t achieved so they sidestep it altogether. Instead of curiosity, they rely on control to stay emotionally safe. 

2. They like the access, not the connection.

Some people like the idea of being friends with you but don’t want to do the work of showing up for you. They enjoy what you offer: advice, status, presence, perspective but they aren’t interested in mutual connection. They’re in it for the perks, not the partnership.

3. You’ve been cast in a role cheerleader, fixer, therapist.

When you’re always the one who helps, people start engaging with that version of you only. They rely on your strength, your perspective, your calm but never think to ask how you are doing. You’re valued for what you provide, not who you are. 

4. They’re stuck in their own world.

Some people aren’t malicious, it’s about emotional unawareness. Some people are so caught up in their own stress, stories, or needs that they dominate the conversation without realizing it. They vent and unload but never pause to ask, what about you? 

5. Asking about you would require real connection and that scares them.

Genuine curiiosity creates intimacy and intimacy requires vulnerability. Some people avoid deeper questions because it would open the door to emotional closeness. They’re comfortable being seen, but not truly knowing or being known. This isn’t rudeness, it’s often self protection. Openness feels dangerous to them. Why?

• Emotional exposure: They’re afraid if they open the door to connection, they’ll have to reveal parts of themselves they’ve worked hard to guard.

• Reciprocity Pressure: If they ask you about you, they fear you’ll ask bask and they don’t want to go there. Vulnerability feels too unpredictable, especially if they’ve learned it’s unsafe or hasn’t been met with care in the past.

• Losing Control: Surface-level conversation allows them to steer the dynamic. But genuine curiosity shifts the balance, suddenly the emotional focus might be on them, and that can feel destabilizing.

• Rejection: Being known means risking not being understood. Some people avoid real connection because they’re scared you’ll see the real them and leave.

• Old Wounds: If they’ve been dismissed, overlooked, or manipulated in past friendships, they may associate intimacy with eventual pain. So they stay guarded, using control or self-focus as a defense mechanism.

Why You Might Keep Attracting These Friendships

This isn’t about blame, it’s about early relationship patterns. 

If you grew up in a home where you had to: 

• Be emotionally mature too early

• Stay quiet to keep the peace

• Take care of other people’s emotions before your own 

Then you learned...

• To listen instead of speak

• To soothe instead of express

• To take up as little space as possible

These habits don’t go away overnight. And they often attract people who are looking to be held but not to hold you in return. 

& Here’s How to Show Up Differently (Without Feeling Mean)

You don’t need to become cold or closed off. You just need to recalibrate. Here’s how:

1. Start noticing who reciprocates.

If they never ask about you, pause before oversharing. Ask yourself, “Have they earned access to the deeper version of me?”

2. Use soft call-ins.

Try:

“I’ve loved hearing about that, can I share something too?”

or

“I’d love your thoughts on something I’ve been dealing with.”

This invites mutuality without confrontation.

3. Don’t fill the silence too quickly with more questions.

This is a subtle but important one: If you’re uncomfortable with silence, you might reflexively keep asking them more questions, never giving them the space to return the curiosity. Let silence be a test and if they don’t ask about you, that silence is your answer. 

4. Redirect your energy.

Save your emotional labor for people who see you, not just people who need you. You’re not being selfish. 

5. Use your Friendship Audit to check the pattern.

Inside the Friendship Audit, you’ll find step-by-step reflection questions to:

• Spot one-sided dynamics

• Shift how you show up

• Decide who to invest in (and who to gently let go of)

It’s already in your library so go download and read it, and if you have a question after reading it, ask away in the forum. 

Your Takeaway: You don’t need to over-function to be worthy of friendship. The right people will ask, they’ll notice, they’ll reciprocate. But until then? It’s okay to step back and make space for relationships that see all of you, not just the version that helps them be seen. 

Have a specific question? Head to the forum and ask away, and I’ll get back to you with tailored support. 

Xo,

Dr. C