How to Teach Your Child to Be Assertive (Without Being a Pushover)
One of the most common questions parents ask me is: “How do I teach my child to stand up for themselves… without teaching them to be rude or aggressive?”
Kids naturally swing between two poles:
too quiet (freeze, fawn, avoid)
too loud (yell, react, explode)
Assertiveness lives right in the middle.
And kids can learn it when we teach it in ways their brain can use in the moment. Here’s the simple, repeatable framework I teach parents:
1. “We speak up. We don’t stand in the back.”
Shy or sensitive kids often default to shrinking to stay safe, standing behind you, hiding behind friends, or letting other kids make the decisions. Your job is to give them language and small reps so speaking up feels normal.
Try practicing at home:
“What would it sound like if you said it standing tall?”
“Show me your confident body.”
You’re teaching the posture of assertiveness before the words.
2. “We don’t stay quiet, we use our words.”
Silence is often a freeze response, not a personality trait.
Kids freeze when they feel:
unsure
overwhelmed
afraid of conflict
afraid of getting in trouble
afraid of being disliked
You’re giving them micro-scripts so they don’t have to invent language in the moment.
Give them ‘starter lines’ like:
“Stop. I don’t like that.”
“Please move.”
“I’m using that right now.”
“That’s my spot.”
“I’m not playing that game.”
Simple. Clear. One sentence. No apologizing.
3. “We don’t whisper or yell, we use our strong voice.”
Kids think there are only two options:
whispering (ignored)
yelling (punished)
You’re teaching the third option, their strong voice. Not loud. Not quiet. Clear.
Practice at home with this game:
Say It Three Ways
Ask them to say a sentence:
whisper
yell
strong voice
Then tell them:
“That third one, that’s the voice you use with friends.”
It builds emotional regulation faster than lecturing ever will.
How to Coach Them When Something Happens at School
1. Validate first:
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Lots of kids freeze when something feels uncomfortable.”
2. Rehearse the moment:
“Let’s practice what you can say next time.”
3. Let them choose a script:
Most kids feel empowered when they pick it themselves.
4. Celebrate the attempt, not the outcome:
“You used your strong voice, that’s what matters.”
Confidence grows before the moment, not in the moment.
What NOT to Teach (The Things That Backfire)
Avoid saying:
“Be nice.”
“Just ignore it.”
“Don’t make a big deal.”
“Let it go.”
These accidentally teach kids to suppress discomfort, tolerate mistreatment, or avoid conflict even when the situation truly requires speaking up.
Your Final Takeaway
Assertiveness isn’t disrespectful, it’s natural. And it’s taught through:
micro-skills
tiny reps
simple scripts
and modeling from you
And when kids feel confident using their strong voice, they become less reactive, less fearful, and far less likely to be pushed around.
Have a specific question? Head to The Lounge and ask away, I’ll get back to. you with tailored tips and scripts and others can chime in too.
xo,
Dr. C